I was having dinner at a very nice restaurant in Greenbelt with Jt and a Playboy (Philippines) model. I was pleasantly surprised by the girl's loquaciousness and intelligence; she even gave me tips on how to prevent the worsening of my eyesight. At some point, as conversations between adults usually do, the topic shifted to sex.
"Oh my god, can I just say..." she said by way of introduction.
"What?" I replied.
"Wait I have to tell the full story," she answered. "I used to date this guy, half European, half African."
"And he's huge."
"I mean, huge huge. Like my wrist, dude."
At this point, an image that I did not want to see popped into my head. I drank some water.
"So, you know, at the start of relationships where you're both like bunnies? Anyway, after one week of hardcore you know, I suddenly woke up with this tremendous pain in my...vagina."
I looked at Jt, whose forehead began to crease. Playboy model continued, "Apparently, I have UTI, at least according to my OB. And I asked her if size mattered and she said it doesn't. I was just worried that I might be overusing it."
"What's UTI?" I asked.
"Urinary tract infection. Ok, imagine my mouth as a vagina."
That wasn't really something I wanted to imagine.
"And the walls of my mouth, or the vagina, has bacteria right? Well, what happens is..." She looks around. "Think of this spoon as a penis. It scrapes the sides of the wall of the vagina right." She makes a scraping motion. "Then you move some of the bacteria around. If they go back, it's possible that they are already infected. So, that's how you get UTI."
Since my head was swimming with images of giant spoon-penises the size of wrists and mouth-vaginas, I didn't realize immediately that Jt was starting to look sick.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"That's so gross. I can't believe you're talking about vaginas."
"Well, babe, vaginas are important. I'm sure the heteros and lesbians can't live without it." Playboy model nodded in agreement. "Besides, that's where you came from."
"Oh my god, you're so gay."