Saturday, August 21, 2010

Vajayjays are Important Too

I was having dinner at a very nice restaurant in Greenbelt with Jt and a Playboy (Philippines) model. I was pleasantly surprised by the girl's loquaciousness and intelligence; she even gave me tips on how to prevent the worsening of my eyesight. At some point, as conversations between adults usually do, the topic shifted to sex.

"Oh my god, can I just say..." she said by way of introduction.

"What?" I replied.

"Wait I have to tell the full story," she answered. "I used to date this guy, half European, half African."

"Ok..."

"And he's huge."

"Uh-huh."

"I mean, huge huge. Like my wrist, dude."

At this point, an image that I did not want to see popped into my head. I drank some water.

"So, you know, at the start of relationships where you're both like bunnies? Anyway, after one week of hardcore you know, I suddenly woke up with this tremendous pain in my...vagina."

I looked at Jt, whose forehead began to crease. Playboy model continued, "Apparently, I have UTI, at least according to my OB. And I asked her if size mattered and she said it doesn't. I was just worried that I might be overusing it."

"What's UTI?" I asked.

"Urinary tract infection. Ok, imagine my mouth as a vagina."

That wasn't really something I wanted to imagine.

"And the walls of my mouth, or the vagina, has bacteria right? Well, what happens is..." She looks around. "Think of this spoon as a penis. It scrapes the sides of the wall of the vagina right." She makes a scraping motion. "Then you move some of the bacteria around. If they go back, it's possible that they are already infected. So, that's how you get UTI."

Since my head was swimming with images of giant spoon-penises the size of wrists and mouth-vaginas, I didn't realize immediately that Jt was starting to look sick.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"That's so gross. I can't believe you're talking about vaginas."

"Well, babe, vaginas are important. I'm sure the heteros and lesbians can't live without it." Playboy model nodded in agreement. "Besides, that's where you came from."

"Yuck."

"Oh my god, you're so gay."

"Duh."

37 comments:

  1. happy thoughts! happy thoughts! got a little sick imagining.

    hahaha.

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  2. Too many awful images too few ice picks to gouge them out with!
    Thanks for reading my blog - hope to see your comments often :-)
    Your's is awesome by the way - sounds like we have a similar sense of humor.

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  3. hahaha naiimagine ko reaction nyo sa kwnto nya!

    at ang sarap kasama ng friend mo ganyan din gusto ko topic lagi,sex!LOL

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  4. hahahahahahaha! that is simultaneously hilarious and sickening.

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  5. lmao the playboy model was hilarious!!!

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  6. ahahahaha!!! =D

    http://lakad-pilipinas.blogspot.com

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  7. lmfao! I would've been the pervert a few seats over EAR HUSTLING your convo! just hearing the word VAGINA in someone elses conversation would've had me nosey as hell!
    And I had a big penis like that once...no fun at all! Cant enjoy shit when your uterus is tickling your tonsils :D

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  8. And what makes this whole story all the more amusing is that the Playboy tart was most likely clueless that most civilized people don't tend to talk about vaginas in public settings -- and certainly don't talk about them to virtual strangers. Even so, I loved your post.

    Thanks again for checking out my blog and I hope that you will become a fan! xo -The Empress

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

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  9. Haha. you have to love a vajayjay even if you really dont love it. hahaha!

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  10. what's kadiri sa conversation? LOL.

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  11. @ everyone: I'll just be repeating myself so thank you all. :-)

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  12. For one thing, your write-ups are a pastiche of simulacrum. The other, a tour-de-force of your creative idiom and queer sensibility.

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  13. Halfway thru I wanted to shut the window down...but I'm glad I kept going....the end was soooo freak'in funny!!

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  14. @phunk and branden: glad you enjoyed it. :-)

    @cnubudding: Wow, you just hit the nail on the head. That is, more or less, the goal of my writing experiment. But not simulacrum in the strictest sense. The stories are still true after all, though distilled and made into a pastiche.

    And my appreciation for the compliment.

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  15. mouth, spoon, scraping <- LOL amusing choice of metaphor she got there! :)

    "Vajayjay's are Important too" <- I couldn't agree more! ;)

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  16. Hahah this is too funny
    but also icky
    its the first thing I have read this morning
    hmm
    lovely breakfast story...


    Alexandra

    http://alexandrascomplaintsoftheday.blogspot.com/

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  17. i realy enjoyed this post :)

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  18. XDXD Funny post~~
    Although I'm young to read it XDXD

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  19. You are hilarious! Can't wait to read more!

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  20. @straight, alexandra, rah, rabito and mama kayla: thanks! :-)

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  21. a talk about vajayjays...:))

    ''you're so gay''

    ''duh''...

    haha..:) i lavet!

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  22. you being caught imagining the ""V"" thing and the spoon. haha. that's nasty

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  23. hahahahaha.hahaha.haha.ha.ha.
    haha. dude, i'm still laughing. that & this other harry potter thing has made my day. lol. :)

    check mine?: http://www.listenthenspeak.blogspot.com

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  24. whoa, gosh that is something to hold on to, awesome dick, big.. lol... well i think she liked it, but it's just that the sex was really intense, and over.. That is the reason why nag ka UTI sya.. naku, sarap ng sex wag sobrahan.. nice site man..

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  25. @toffer and tim: thanks!

    @ :): will do. :-)

    @pusang kalye. yes. yes, it was.

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  26. haahahahahahaha....

    hilarious and interesting.
    That playboy gal was pretty illustrative in demonstration.

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  27. HAHAHHA. what a conversation to have over dinner!!

    Great story-telling ((= Really enjoyed reading this amusing story.

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  28. @blasphemous and parisa: thanks for reading! that dinner was weird, but I thought it was a blast.

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  29. simulacrum...
    I had to go to my Webster Dictionary on that word. And I have a Master's Degree from Berkeley!
    Well I have to admit I still do not get it. Must be a thing with you writers.
    Anyway, I LAUGHED and LAUGHED!!!
    Cheers

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  30. Hi Fickle Cattle! Thanks for your comment on my "Largest Pool" post =) I just read your post here and found it hilarious! I love the way you described the dinner converstaion, very entertaining!!

    Ciao, form Italy! =) xx

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  31. @GWM: :-) Thanks!

    @Ely Ann: Hahaha. Thanks for dropping by!

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  32. Hehe, though I prefer "hoohoo," I, too, agree that vajayjay's are important. I'm surprised that sexy model lady decided to talk about UTI's at dinner; that would make her much less hot in anybody's eyes. I'd have been grossed out too.

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  33. Seriously, thanks for stopping by my humble little blog and commenting.

    Where have you been all my life? This is the kind of writing I love. So funny.

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