Friday, September 3, 2010

Dark Sky


When I was a sophomore in high school, the all girls' school next to our school decided to hold a dance. My tutor then had a niece named Samantha who was my age, so she asked me if I would want to go with her niece as a date. Except she didn't say date, she just asked me if I could go.

I thought about it, and concluded that if I wanted to stop being "confused" about my sexuality, I had to start going out with girls. So I said yes.

It started out simple enough. I had a driver, so I picked Samantha up at around 8pm. We didn't really know each other, so the ride to the school-covered-court-turned-dance floor was long and awkward. I tried initiating conversation, but we both knew I was just forcing it.

When we came to the dance hall, we just sat in a corner. And sat some more. And remained silent. It was one of the longest nights in my young life.

At some point, her friends decided to rescue her from me, who was quite possibly the worst date created in the history of mankind. And I completely understood. She made a few apologies, obviously insincere, and ran with her friends. She never looked back.

I went out to a small grassy field, and stared at the few couples who were cuddling in corners. I didn't really feel envious; just sad. I tried to go back and sit with Samantha, but it was no use, and with her friends there, the date just grew more and more awkward.

So I went back out, and laid on the grass. My driver had already left. He said he'll come back before midnight. I still had a couple of hours.

I remember the sky, like a deep purple marble stone, infinite and ominous. And at some point, the sensation of falling. I sat back up, heart beating fast. There was a sense of loss I think, though I did not understand what it was. There was definitely loneliness.

Samantha never spoke to me again. The few times I saw her, she acted like she didn't know me. I really couldn't blame her.

At a point later in my life, a distinguished writer criticized a story I wrote. She said she didn't understand the image I was trying to evoke. "How can one fall towards the sky?" she asked. She was being rhetorical of course. She meant to show me that my metaphor didn't work.

I didn't bother explaining. I knew she wouldn't understand. "How do you fall towards the sky?" she asked. If she wasn't trying to be snarky, I would have answered, sincerely, "I am talking about the same thing, only they are not the same thing. There is fear, instead of freedom. The same way that you fly."


Photo found here.

62 comments:

  1. Sometimes explanations are just not needed, great post.

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  2. and I call it beautiful, because into the sky I fall and I want to go back inside, into the clearing where I can see the sky, out of this room.

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  3. :) first of all thank you for the comment. Didn't know i have readers beside my friends :)
    You write really well, i'll keep reading!

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  4. @Dyche, Amelia, Ali, Maryum and Dee: Thank you. I'm glad you found it worthwile.

    @Blasphemous: Ever the poet aren't you? :-) Thanks for the comment. I loved it.

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  5. I have fallen towards the sky too, I know exactly what you are saying.
    Wonderful post.

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  6. if you have to explain then they don't get it thanks for another great post

    http://becca-mycrazystuff.blogspot.com/

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  7. Very beautifully written! And I love the photo of the sky.

    As for that writer woman, either she had a rather narrow perspective or she was simply a jealous cow who was intimidated by your command of the written word.

    xo The Empress

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

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  8. That expression even caught my attention...but I interpreted it differently!

    Excuse my bluntness and obvious stereotyping...but aren't girls more comfortable mingling with gay fellows?

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  9. Beautiful.
    Not everybody can understand everything and its pointless if one is not willing to dispense one's disbelief and look at things from a different perspective.

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  10. wow your words are really touching

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  11. Absolutely lovely. Your writing style is incredible.

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  12. Wonderful .. I felt every minute of it ..

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  13. It was so real. Felt like, for the brief minutes of reading, I understood exactly, the person you are. Inner beauty is a gift.

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  14. Like your writing =)

    baconnbetelgeuse.blogspot.com

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  15. you are unbelievable. genius. i love this post.

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  16. this is a nice story. i wonder though, why she wouldn't talk to you; why she pretended she didn't know you. you did nothing wrong..

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  17. I've felt like this too - falling towards the sky. The universe is deeper than the ocean and ergo only in the sky can you fall really deep into.

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  18. An awkward date -- i've been there. :))

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  19. I imagine the heavens, expansive and omnipresent, its glazed amorphous sheen a blanket that embraces me.

    When I was still in high school, lying down, alone, on the grass of the oval, was my daily routine. I would have an early dinner, and stroll for a bit waiting for dusk to descend. And when it does, I would lie down across the wet grass to take in the smell of the earth, and the changing colors of the sky.

    There, at a clearing, I found peace. Solace, and complete serenity against the awkward state of things in my life. I was a loner, I still am, and I would gaze up at the heavens to remind me that being alone could be beautiful.

    And sometimes hope, that someone out there thinks the same.

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  20. you have so many fans!! i'm envious! :)

    anyway, good luck with the bar exam this sunday!!

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  21. Your posts should have a Facebook like button. :P

    Oh, and those awkward high school dance dates. I once got forced into going to one of those with a family friend. Terribly lame. But I didn't ignore him afterwards. :P

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  22. That was really well written, you captured the teenage awkwardness of going to the dance really well - something that I think applies to most teenagers at some point.

    Sam

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  23. Quick break from studying to check blog, and saw all your comments. Wow. Thank you very much. I truly appreciate all of it.

    @phunk: I wasn't good at it at first, but I got better as I grew up.

    @that girl: Maybe she was embarrassed? I don't really know.

    @everyone who commented and shared their own experiences of falling: I'm glad I'm not the only one who've felt like that. The feeling is difficult to describe I think, although I tried.

    @rz: Good idea. Will google. Thanks! :-)

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  24. @shockresist: Hey! Thanks. Trying not to panic actually. Hahaha.

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  25. I love the way you write and the idea of falling towards the sky. I know how i interpret it and you probably meant it totally differently, but I'm inclined to not mind at all.

    In regard to your comment on my blog, I have a tendancy to read the piece before the title and start a book in the middle. I may just be one of these fickle cattle.

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  26. One of favorites from you so far. I just love how you put so much emotion on your posts. I feel every word. Gawd, if I only have like a drop of your writing genius. :)

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  27. @Niquee: Thanks! And maybe you are. :-)

    @Jules: Hey, thanks for the compliment. I appreciated that a lot.

    @Joei: Hey! I'm sorry, I don't trade links except under exceptional circumstances. Thanks for dropping by though.

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  28. i understand how one can fall towards the sky - a beautiful picture
    you have a sensitive way of describing emotions in your writing - and an honest one as well
    thanks for stopping by my blog - the shooting star metaphor wasn't meant to be funny - not even slightly…smiles - it really felt desirable while i sat there, watching the night sky

    nice to meet you - and i'll be back to read more of your work
    claudia

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  29. Oh wow... You write so well! I felt whatever you were feeling in your post! I totally understood what you were trying to say... Great job!

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  30. HS is full of sad experiences- I would never want to go back- great post.

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  31. I really liked this post. You do have a great style. Thanks for commenting on my blog. There are all kinds of flash fiction out there. Here is the link to the #fridayflash master list if you would like to check it out.
    http://www.jmstrother.com/tiki-index.php?page=FridayFlash+Master+List

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  32. If I knew that reviewer I would punch her right in the ovaries. Maybe I wouldn't because it is obvious her life is already a farce if she can't appreciate such beautiful, allegorical writing.
    X
    Corianda
    http://corianda-corianda.blogspot.com

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  33. Sorry about the deletion. I spelled a word incorrectly and that is just so imperfect of me...haha. I have randomly read through your posts and love the way you write. Thanks for checking out my blog and leaving your comment.
    Yvonne

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  34. falling into the sky? vanessa carlton sang about it and at first i was like huh? how can anyone do that? now i get it. good one, fickle cattle.

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  35. That metaphor makes perfect sense to me. I love it.

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  36. Hello Fickle! I saw you left a comment in my blog about my paintings having broken necks. Your comment left me with a grin on my face.

    That phrase you wrote, "There is fear, instead of freedom. The same way that you fly." It made me think of Icarus falling to towards the sea while the was in his wings were melting. I wonder, what if, as you said 'falling towards the sky', it's done into an image. Hmmm, it makes this painter think.

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  37. I don't know how you found me, but I am glad you did. Looking forward to more of your writing.

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  38. I'm so glad you dropped by my blog and left me a comment. I like the honesty of your writing. I'm also caught with the image of falling towards the sky. I look forward to reading more of you. Did I mention I love the colors of your blog? Yep. :-)
    Su-sieee! Mac
    This and That. Here and There. Now, Sometimes Then.

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  39. You have such a way with words. And I've got to say- I've had a few similar experiences, with falling towards the sky: moments thinking, being alone.

    You're quite the person.

    Thank you, also, for the comment and the read- I'm following your blog. It's very worth reading.

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  40. I have been to many awkward school dances. Was terrified to ask my own date to dance. Why? I don't know.

    I used to look like a potato with a head. Read why at:


    iamyourblog.blogspot.com

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  41. Sighhh it reminds me of too many painful teenage moments of my own and of a conversation on the airwaves the other day when a teacher of meditation spoke of 'Falling Awake'... i think it is a beautiful metaphor <3

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  42. Sometimes there are some who just don't have the imagination or empathy to put themselves where we were.

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  43. Your Metaphor worked this time..In a major major way : )

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  44. hey, im sorry but im part lemming, half human. drive off a cliff and you'd see me plunge after you a few minutes later. hope you wouldnt mind me hitching a ride.:)

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  45. Thank you for visiting my blog. I've read a couple of posts and I must say that you write well. I'll be dropping by again.

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  46. It's a beautiful image and I know exactly what you mean.

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  47. What a beautiful post. I think everyone's first date is similar. I remember mine and would like to forget it already. Ha.

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  48. Hey guys! Wow, thanks for all the comments and encouragement. Makes me want to blog more. :-)

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  49. sorry had to delete my comment. to should've been two :))

    anyway, thanks for dropping by my site!

    ☆ definitely, maybe

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  50. If you have to ask how you fall toward the sky - you probably won't "get" or appreciate the explanation.

    Thanks for commenting on my blog - it gave me the opportunity to visit yours.

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  51. @Grace: Thank you. I appreciated that.

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  52. Falling towards the sky. That's not so hard. In fact, my Internet Someone told me he wanted us to do that - when you lie on the grass and hold hands and look at the clouds until it feels like you're falling into them. I don't think you're alone, I just think your reviewer is a little weighted down by gravity and lack of imagination.

    This is a beautifully written sad story. Hard times.

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  53. Really interesting story... Sad, but wonderful at the same time. It's well written :) And thanks for visiting my blog, I appreciate it.

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  54. interesting...but melancholic. :-) LIfe's a journey anyway, all touch-and-go.

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  55. This is such a great post... your perspective is spot on and so intriguing.

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