Friday, August 20, 2010

The Pitfalls of Dating the Perfect Guy


Jt is not the easiest person to date, especially if you're the jealous or insecure type (just so we're clear, I'm not). He's good-looking, (very) intelligent, and successful. Seriously, everything I've been looking for in a man, I found in him. And he loves me. What more do I want?

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, there are a few pitfalls to dating the perfect guy:

1. It magnifies all of your own insecurities.

I once told my friend that I just realized Jt is everything I ever dreamed of becoming. First, he's a lawyer (and a very successful one). Second, he's an opinion writer for a popular newspaper. Third, he does freelance writing for art magazines, where he interviews up and coming artists, as well as a few established ones.

Now look at me. First, I'm a law student working my butt off to pass the bar. Second, I have a blog. Third, I do freelance writing for random magazines which would take me.

I'm like Jt redux. The diluted Jt. His sidekick.

I'm not an insecure person in general, but there are moments.

2. Eating out can be a hassle, especially if he stopped telling you he knows people in the restaurant who used to court him.

Here's a typical conversation.

"That was a nice dinner," I would say.

"Yes it was," he'd reply.

"The guy next to us was pretty cute."

Pause.

"What?"

"We dated maybe once or twice."

Repeat.

Then he said, a couple of nights ago, that he didn't tell me there was this guy in this restaurant in Greenbelt that he used to date because I might get jealous. Of course not, I said. Then wondered which one it was, and if he was cuter than me.

3. You don't want him to talk about his exes. Then you do. Then you don't. Then you imagine random guys he probably dated and why he ended up with you.

I was at his apartment when I saw a picture of this very good-lucking guy on his bookshelf.

"Wow. Hot guy," I said.

"Oh that's nothing," he replied.

"Who's he?"

"Someone I dated before."

Eyebrow raised, I swallowed a little bit of my own spit. "And?"

"He moved back to Malaysia."

"What does he do?"

"He's a model."

"Kill me now and stab me in the gut," I thought. I looked at the picture, imagined the guy without his shirt off, and I started to hate myself.

"Oh, that's not a real job," I mentioned offhandedly, if defensively.

He smiled.

Then I thought, "Please, please, please, let him be an idiot. Or else I may have to tell Jt myself he could do better."

I wouldn't exchange Jt for anyone in the world, and I do love him, but we have our moments.

In all fairness, another friend did point out that Jt is 16 years older than me. "That's a pretty decent headstart," he said, and I agreed, but that's probably something I should tell in a different story.


Photo taken here.

48 comments:

  1. Sometimes we just have to stop thinking. And just feel.

    He's with you. That's all the truth you need to know. :)

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  2. my last relationship (which ended like 3weeks ago), he's a pretty good doctor too. someone i really want to be some day. and like you, i felt the same thing, the im-a-struggling-student-trying-to-pass-my-exams shit. he's 10-ish years older than me, it was hard. i get very very whiny when im insecure. maybe that's why it didn't work out.

    i like what red said, stop thinking and just feel. o its good to feel loved and to love.

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  3. "Please, please, please, let him be an idiot."

    haylaveth!!! love is in the blogosphere air. :)

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  4. Wow! He's that perfect huh...
    Nvm, You're a damn good blogger and we love you! and for that the score is: JT 0 FC 1 Yay! :)

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  5. ^^make that 2 for FC! woot! Woot!

    Part of me wishes I have your problem. But then, I hope not. Hehe. I already have more issues than reader's digest.

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  6. I used to question if I'm in the same league as the one I'm dating, but I've gotten past that. Lack of confidence is so unattractive.

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  7. I want to echo what red the mod said.

    Keep loving. :)

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  8. I want to echo what anonymous said.

    And besides FC, baliktaran lang yan, edi splatter your house witn pics of your exes. One thing Jt can never have - your youth. So, alam mo yon, you'll always have that as your ace IN CASE your insecurity attacks. OR, isipin mo na lang pag 40 ka na, 56 na siya. Mwaha, mwaha.

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  9. I refuse to date eligible bachelors. They get what they want and know how to get them. Either you give into it or prepare to lose them. No compromises.

    BUT...

    I like them anyways. Hay. So I die each time.

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  10. I want to echo what hoykolokoy said.

    "isipin mo na lang pag 40 ka na, 56 na siya" By then, the both of you will be successful. You'll just compare who has more gray hairs and wrinkles.

    I'm going to envy you for having each other for more than a life time. (Naks!)

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  11. oh this is so true. i just think about my belief that God always makes it fair. like what you said, let the model be an idiot. :D

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  12. @Jay Hi. =)

    FC's blog aka the new gay dating site.

    --

    Ito yung tamang comment. =p

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  13. I understand dating someone perfect. It's bittersweet. :/ But what the heck. Adventure the life of love. ^.^

    See what you think of my stuff. http://troubledhonesty.blogspot.com/

    Thanks! (You've fantastic writing!)

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  14. @red, arkin and marinelle: I try. :-)

    @novie: thanks!

    @nimmy: more particularly on your side. ;-)

    @straight-ish and firewomyn: yay! thanks! :-)

    @anonymous: arrogance too. balance is key.

    @hk: nate-tense pa rin ako everytime nakikita ko ang kahubdan mo. haha.

    @fg: awww. thanks!

    @jay: give them a chance. they're great.

    @eon: glad you agree. :-)

    @narnian: thanks!

    @emily: hey! welcome! thank you.

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  15. naku, believe in yourself. he's with you and that's the most impt thing right now. don't think of him as perfect kasi no one is anyway. :)

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  16. huling hirit in response to:
    @anonymous: arrogance too. balance is key.

    Don't mistake confidence for arrogance. Weird that in Filipino culture it seems to be synonymous. Arrogance, to me, is putting down others to elevate oneself, and that's usually a defense mechanism for being insecure. When you're confident, you don't brag or boast, you know your own worth.
    A lot of relationships don't last because one party is so insecure that the other has to walk on eggshells around the former. From what you've shared, seems like he's already having to censor what he tells you because he's afraid you might get jealous. That will get old after a while.
    I'm just sharing what I've been through. I look back at so many wonderful guys that I dated and realized how I've pushed them away because of my insecurity.
    He likes what he sees in you. So get over it already.

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  17. @anonymous: dude, i'm not mistaking arrogance for confidence. And I'm not that insecure. I got over it a long time ago. This is a story.

    To quote: "I'm not insecure in general, but we have our moments."

    Don't tell me you're freakishly confident ALL the time. Then good for you if you are. Here's your standing ovation.

    And please, drop the condescending attitude.

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  18. i hear ya. but I guess, pitfalls will always be there no matter who you date. imagine kung walang issue, that's boring. hehe!

    nice read :)

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  19. I think I'm like this at one point in any relationship. Like you said, "i'm not insecure in general, but we have our moments." I couldn't agree with you more. For those who are confident all the time, good for you. It wouldnt be a relationship if you didnt question/ learn about your boyfriend/girlfriend whether it'd be who they dated, or what music they like. Bottom line: he's with you, enjoy each other and keep making each other happy! :) you both seem like great guys!

    p.s- thanks for checking out my blog and your kind words!

    xoxo
    chele
    www.wildflowerbazaar.blogspot.com

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  20. perhaps if you stop putting him on a pedestal...
    he's with you. that's all that matters. :)

    thanks for leaving a comment on my blog by the way. :)

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  21. @doll: I completely agree. If he's not perfect, you start imagining if you really love him naman. There are always pitfalls. :-)

    @rachele: thanks! and no problem!

    @moks: thanks! and you're welcome!

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  22. I get the same feeling often...that stabbing insecurity..but then when he says 'I Love You' and does those little affectionate gestures...you do know he's with you...and there's gotta be something about u tht's making him stay glued to u and making u realize tht he loves you!!!

    That's enough to get me by till I leave all those insecurities behind!

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  23. its very relevant...got it:)

    http://FREEDOMboard.blogspot.com

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  24. @phunk: totally agree.

    @rocky: thanks! :-) couldn't access your site though. says it's only for invited readers.

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  25. i've had moments like that too and then i start to ask myself if this guy ever thinks at some point that his ex is prettier than me. i hate it when that happens!

    i like you already. i am going to include your blog into my list. by the way, thanks for commenting on my site http://funcshoenality.blogspot.com

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  26. @joanne: hey! welcome! and thanks! :-)

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  27. I understand totally how you feel. I've been spending the past two years with this guy (we don't call each other boyfriend/girlfriend...whatever) and he is literally the most perfect man I know. Not only is he intelligent, but he knows almost every esoteric thing about every esoteric subject. He never went to college but has won debates against professors and etc. He refuses to climb "socioeconomic ladders" and I think you can guess why. He also has blond hair and blue eyes and is a martial arts master... YEAH I was pretty freaked out. Sorry for listing, but it's to prove my insecurity. I got so insecure that 6 months into the relationship I started avoiding him. I literally deliberately tried to cut off all contact with him because I didn't have the guts to tell him he could do better (and I think my actions prove that he could). For the first month he tried to make sure I was ok without being too pushy. Then the next 6 months went by without a word from him. I started to worry he might be dead (he kind of got involved with some things) or he moved back to Africa (he was born in Zimbabwe where his mother was a missionary). So I wrote him an apologetic email that poured my heart out and told him why and how i really felt. He comes back the night after and told me he was never angry, only sad and he's always loved me. I asked him why and he said (VERBATIM), "Because I just love you. I don't need a reason to." So really, in the end, just remember that they're with you on their own volition. Don't get insecure in the moments that you do. There's a reason why JT is with you!

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  28. @pragmatic spector: totally agree. and thanks for the advice. :-)

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  29. I agree with a lot of the comments above but overall we all question something unfamiliar to us. It's how we handle it that makes the experience worthwhile. Shoot I found myself questioning things about my own relationship but hey I'm happy that's all that matters right? and thanks for the comment on my blog :D

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  30. @live: Happiness is always the most important thing. :-) Thanks.

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  31. FC--
    If JT wanted to be with those exes, that's where he'd be. You 2 chose each other. Be yourself (hopefully your most confident self!) I let myself be in the position once of feeling inferior to a hottie I dated (for a year and a half.) OK...he was 13 years younger, which didn't help...but ANYWAY, I know NOW, I was not being myself. I held back, and wore my insecurity, which poisoned the waters. tell yourself you 2 are lucky to have each other!
    (Oh, and thanks for commenting on my blog. I'll be following you!)

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  32. @HalfRaven: I completely agree. And I try. Thank you.

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  33. This is the first time I have read your blog. And I am confused when you said to "anonymous" that "This is a story." So is JT just a story, albeit, a well written one...
    INGAT from a GayWhiteMan

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  34. JT is super real GWM. When I meant it was a story, I meant you have to realize your reading it outside of the context of our day to day lives. As I was pointing out to anonymous, I'm not insecure most of the time, but I have moments. This post is all about those moments. Except he/she thought I was like that all the time. So, my point. This is a story. A true one. But taken out of context, and posted in a vacuum where other people may find other meaning.

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  35. This is a very amusing post which reminded of SATC. I have the DVD's at home and there was this one episode where Carrie was so insecure of Natasha that she had to do everything to 'upstage' her, to prove that she was better than her which made her fall flat several times on her face. So finally, long story short... and I hope you are familiar with this... Natasha sent Carrie a letter with a misspelled word and you know what happened next.

    Oh yes, we always care about the exes of our current but we should not let it consume us. The reason they became the ex is because we are the NOW.

    :-) Nice post!

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  36. @blue: Thanks! And anything I write that reminds you of SATC is a good thing I think. :-) I loved that episode you mentioned.

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  37. HAHA this is so true. Before I got into the relationship I'm in now, I HATED dating perfect guys just as much as I loved it. It made me feel so insecure because I kept wondering what they were doing with me, & also because I felt eventually they would figure out that I'm not perfect & decide to end it with me! BUT please don't think of yourself as the diluted version of JT. BLOGS ARE THE WAY OF THE FUTURE! & you are you. It's hard not to compare yourself to others but just remember that you are probably the object of envy for lots of other people (including me - your writing is fantastic).

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  38. Hey Heather! Thank you for that very very sweet comment. I try to do my best to combat my insecurity. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. :-)

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  39. haven't you ever loved someone who made you wonder why you loved them? because you were so much better/perfect in comparison? so now you get to be in their shoes...! it's kind of cool, too ;o)
    p.s. also please post a shirtless picture of JT next time (or is the B&W picture him already? wow)

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  40. @iris: Hahaha. JT isn't muscular hot; more like successful, handsome, smart hot, if you get what I mean. :-)

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  41. oh you are so so lucky! Stop worrying and live in the moment and enjoy every second of it. He sounds totally yum by the way!

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  42. Wow, that so strikes a chord with me. My ex was exactly the same, rich, successful, good looking, funny, sweet. I was the broke student. God damn, lucky you, enjoy the ride (if you pardon the pun :-P)
    http://squonksblog.blogspot.com/

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  43. Insecurity at its cutest side...hahaha;))

    I love it! ^_^

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