Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I Like Dogs But Sometimes I Want to Kill Dog Owners

There was a day, not so long ago, when I found myself walking beside the row of commercial outlets next to my apartment building. I just had dinner, chicken fajitas with a side of salsa, and was pretty content with the world. This cute little boy with a gorgeous father (whose shirt said that he was a jiujitsu master) was distracting me. He was making weird faces, so I made weird faces back.

Then it happened. A soft, squishy sound.

I just stepped on dog poop.

And good lord, not even the hard, normal kind. It was watery and gross and well, just plain yucky. There was so much of it that my flip flops were rendered incapable of shielding my foot. I got crap on some toes.

I wanted to shoot the goddamn bastard who was walking his goddamn dog with an obviously upset goddamn stomach and who wasn’t civilized enough to bring a goddamn bag to pick up his own goddamn dog’s crap.

So I walked back up to my apartment and stopped by the parking area to wash some of the stuff off, fantasizing about ways I could get back at my obviously irresponsible neighbors.

There ought to be a law.

One fantasy involved me picking up the dogshit, heading to the perpetrator’s apartment, knocking on the door, and then saying, as soon as he (or she) opens the door, “Hey neighbor, I just realized you dropped something. Here’s your shit back.” Then I’ll throw it at him.

(I can set it on fire first for a more dramatic, theatrical experience).

Something similar happened again a few weeks ago, when JP and I stepped into our building elevator to head to work. This time a woman with a jittery, nervous smile was wrangling with a small, restless and frustratingly excitable dog, which was running all over the small space.

We didn’t mind them at first, and actually thought the whole thing was adorable, up until the small dog decided he wanted to make the elevator his own personal toilet, and started peeing all over the place. Perhaps it was naïve of me to believe that the woman would take responsibility for her dog’s, well, pee, but she instead just gave a quiet nervous laugh, offered us a small smile, and stepped out of the elevator as soon as she reached her floor. I wanted to throttle her.

We ended up going to work slightly smelling of dog piss.

I didn’t know someone had to actually publicly say this, but guys and girls, here’s the cardinal rule of pet-ownership: pick up after your pets. If you think that’s gross, or you can’t handle the responsibility, then don’t get a pet in the first place. You’re just giving all pet owners a bad name. And you’re making us non-pet owners want to strangle you.


  1. I harbor deep fantasies of shooting my neighbors' yelping, ugly mutts.

    Every night, as a matter of fact.

  2. It was random because it was a "dear diary" moment -_-

    Haha seriously? You think his wife or mother of his child is with him because of the whole "I'm gorgeous and I'm a master of jiujitsu" kind of thing? haha!

    Well this is why when I get a dog, I'm not going to be the one walking it. I'm making the man of the house do it >:) he has to pick up the shit!

  3. Doggy shit in between your toes? Ugh, I would of killed somebody.

  4. Hahaha.. I love this blog.. I feel very intune with it. Good Job! ;) Thanks for visiting my blog too.

  5. Fffffuck... this shit was hilarious, but how would you set it on fire?

  6. they say it's lucky to stepped on a dog's poo. =)

  7. That's why I have a special purse just for walking my dog that I can store the baggie in until I find a trash can along the route. This way I can be considerate of others and not seem like a dork carrying a bag of poo around town.

  8. Distracted much? Char! Hehe! Thanks for the greeting pala. :-)

  9. Man I would be pissed too! Some people are so effing lazy -- even when there ARE exisiting laws requiring them to clean up after their shitting dogs. Please let us know when/how you eventually do get revenge! - The Empress

  10. I love animals, but sometimes I just want to shoot the dogs next door - they yap EVERY morning before 9am continually for about a minute, with shrill, throaty barks, (by which point I am certainly awake) until their owner comes outside and feeds them. Having said this, however, your situation is seemingly much worse, even if it's not something you have to tolerate daily :S Some people just need to learn dog-management-etiquette, it seems...

  11. Who doesn't love dogs with earphones? And likewise, who doesn't hate doggy shit?

    Been reading some of your recent posts - love your blog! And truly appreciate you stopping by mine. Consider yourself an unsuspecting intermediary between one of my goals and the action I put toward it.

  12. ok so you really can fantasize man :P

  13. in my case, the shit is the dog's major major loud barking everyday beginning at the crack of the dawn...grrr

    oh and by the way...may taray tendencies ka din pala..hihi

  14. hahha! hey, i like it over here.
    That daddy must have been some fine a** to wind up stepping in poo poo, haha HILARIOUS!
    follow me back:

  15. I'm totally with you on this one. For whatever reason a couple times per month I find random dog shit in my yard, and no, I dont have a random dog. Or any dog. I have seen people walk their dogs by and always watch closely. But I have not seen the pooper or pooper's owner myself. At least not in action.

    I always fantasize about what I would do if I did see a poop without pickup and every time I sound like an old man (in my head) yelling at whippersnappers. Damn.


  16. oh-so-cuteness puppy! =)

    do dogs reflect their owners?

  17. @rudeboy and sophie: hahaha. evil.

    @pragmatic spector: that's what men of houses are for anyway.

    @ms. Lively: glad you agree. :-)

    @naoma: thanks!

    @blasphemous: we can put it in a bag first, then set it on fire, then throw it immediately.

    or we can make tiny catapults?

    @lakwatsera: haha, don't need that kind of luck.

    @angela: hahaha, remind me never to touch that purse.

    @carrie: no prob. :-)

    @ranter's box: i'm pretty sure we actually do not have laws like that in the Philippines (except for a few ordinances here and there). which is why these people keep letting their pets run wild.

    @tamika: thanks! glad to be of service.

    @branden: hahaha. I live in two worlds: this one, and my head.

    @desole: hahaha, don't we all?

    @narnian: lol mo rin. :-)

    @patrice: thanks!

    @pinklotus: hey! thanks for commenting.

    @simple dude: and yes, we don't want to look like old men yelling at whippersnappers. :-)

    @paci: i wouldn't know. maybe?


  18. wow! this is a funny goddamn shit! you have here! hehe really made me laugh! 'major major'!

  19. Ditto! My neighbors are just as shitty to care.

  20. brillnt blog here..loved u r posts...was gr8 to c such a superb blogger at my blog..hop to c u arnd soon....

    This dog agree... way 2 go..

    cheers...good day... :)

  21. @honja: thank you. :-)

    @james: it's an epidemic apparently. kainis.

    @mingled minds: you too. and thanks!

  22. Step on the dog poop? Just step on the owner! That'll teach 'em a lesson ;)
    The Irrepressible Pinecone

  23. @pinecone: hahaha. i'd love to do that. :-)

  24. lmfao dog poo is the WORST

    and how do you have so many followers already ?!

    ps. ->

  25. We have places to get little poop bags outside of my apartments so when someone gets caught not doing their dog owner duty they look like real assholes.

  26. @courtney: hahaha. re: followers, I don't know, I hope it's because of my content. :-)

    @julie: we should have something like that. it's a real problem in my place.

  27. gotta go.... good grief this post is causing a massive flare in my anger management issues...............!

    neighbors, eh?? ;)

  28. Teehee.

  29. OH MY GOSH. I think I might have gagged and almost thrown up. Dog crap (watery dog crap) has got to be the worst thing to step in...with flip flops no less.

    If you ever find the perp, be sure to video you throwing the flaming dog poo. lol

  30. @ violet: yea, neighbors. hahaha.

    @ jodie: teehee back. :-)

    @parisa: will do. hahaha.

  31. hehehe lol @ gorgeous jiujitsu daddies! hahaha :)
    btw thanks for dropping by, also the puppy is cuuute! ^_^

  32. Hey! Perhaps there are only 2 types of people in the world - dog people and NOT dog people? Thanx also for dropping by my blog - hope you enjoyed it!!

  33. @carlo and red nomad: no prob. and thanks for dropping by as well.

  34. the shit throwing imagination is really funny =D

  35. Ha ha, this post got a lot of comments. I remember the good old days when there wasn't a law when I was a kid. We'd be sprinting around dog bombs, trying our best to avoid crap was everywhere. Poor Mom, who had to pick it out of our runners when we missed. I don't miss those days. Come on dog owners, pick up your dog's poop already.

  36. @lee: thanks!

    @just me: I know right. And that is a very weird game to play. :-)

  37. Oh god, I can so relate to this. The worse is when you reenact your youth and roll down a hill and then you roll through shit and then you're covered.

    Or is that just me?

  38. @Amelia: hahaha. i think it is just you. :-)

  39. You know what we need? Dog non-picker-uppererer security cameras. Then we would know as to who to throw the shit at.

    Surely if there's a sign that says "Please pick up dog poop" people have to obey it? I certainly can't disobey signs without going back and making up for what I did wrong, if I disobeyed it I would probably end up coming back a day or so later, guilt-ridden, and would pick it up and apologise out load to the poor sod that probably stood in it.

  40. That's true. Signs are like scary cardboard Bibles.

  41. haha that is too funny!

    I pass two houses everyday where one dog is tied to a tree and another dog is in a small chain link cage with a small piece of tarp thrown over the top that only covers 1/4 of the top. Drives me mad looking at them. Why have a dog if your going to freakin keep it outdoors 24/7??

  42. PS: Now following! Love your blog!

  43. Oh, he's a very irresponsible dog owner.

  44. @java: Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have pets. And thanks!

    @Captain runner: Very irresponsible.

  45. Oh, don't EVEN get me started. Ditto all those with irresponsible neighbors whose dogs (oops, glad I reread before I posted, 'cause "dongs" don't usually bark) bark incessantly.

    OK, so thee is a legal specialty here, right?

  46. HalfRaven: I don't think you'll find anyone who disagrees, hahaha. I don't get what you mean by "thee" though.

  47. I guess I am late on this one, but for anyone who wants to shoot/maim/kill a nearby dog - just remember, it is only acting like an asshole because it clearly has an asshole of an owner.

    The dog can only be as good (or bad) as it is trained to be.

    Our dog is large and a bit of a butthole at times. He's a rescue, but we still are shitty owners since we haven't gotten it under control.

    So I am a guilty. But I always clean up his massive shit!!!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog.

  48. @Stephanie: That's true. Dogs are like children, it's the parents who have to make sure they learn.

    Thanks for stopping by!



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