Monday, January 17, 2011

Clarity


It was a few weeks since I last had any contact with Chad. I was making it a point to avoid any type of communication with him since our relationship was less than perfect at the time. Not that it was ever perfect mind you; in fact, I would have settled for normal if I could. If I'm being totally honest, our relationship was, in a word, toxic, characterized by passion and love, with no real substance to ground us. The perils of youth one could say, although that assumes only the young are capable of doing stupid things, and I have far too many examples of stupid things adults do to disprove that point.

It's always difficult, I think, breaking up. Most people assume it ends with a discussion, with the parties mutually agreeing to stop seeing each other. Sometimes there are tears, or harsh words, or things thrown, but the common idea is that everything happens at that one point, as if something that important could be so easily and neatly summed up and discarded in a half hour. As if the relationship you just had with that one person was nothing more than a footnote in your otherwise perfectly normal life.

But the idea doesn't take into account the slow deterioration, the unraveling of passion, the almost imperceptible, but unmistakable, disintegration of affection. If the relationship wasn't working in the first place, the cracks will show, and the lovers will grow distant, and things will start to fall apart. But the initial process is barely recognizable, until at some point the couple realizes that they are at a place neither of them had thought they could ever come before. And the breaking up, especially with a person you love, is rarely just a one time deal; most likely it's a process that will take a while to stick.

Breakups are rarely simple, at least in my experience.

In Chad's case, we didn't really break-up, since there was nothing to break in the first place. What relationship we had was in one of those gray, blurry areas that mimicked all the symptoms of a "real" relationship, only that it wasn't. We can be postmodern about it, and say that it had no label, and it would be true, because what we had was really, well, undefinable. I hate admitting it, because it makes the relationship seem so trivial, but it was true, and maybe it really was as trivial as it seems.

So I think I was already starting to settle back into my usual routine, with sudden pangs of pain here and there (it is impossible to just walk away from a person you love I think, even if you know it's what's best for you), when I got a text message from him. It started with the usual pleasantries (How are you? I miss you. What have you been up to?) and ended with an invitation to meet up. I didn't reply, because I didn't know what to say. I knew what I wanted to say and what I needed to say (and the gap between what I wanted and what I needed was oceans-wide), but I had absolutely no idea what I would actually say. So I waited. I figured I didn't need to decide right then.

It was midnight when I texted back. And though it broke my heart to do so, I told him what I needed to say, my head slowly, but inexorably, dismantling the fantasy of the conversation I wanted, dreamed to have.


Photo taken here.

45 comments:

  1. Breaking up sucks. Just plain sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Most break ups from my experience have tore my ass up! It's like my heart was paper and once burned it can never go back :(

    ReplyDelete
  3. Don't tell me you actually texted to break up with the guy? That is a little cold...maybe he deserved it, I don't know... :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. "if something that important could be so easily and neatly summed up and discarded in a half hour." You have no idea how much that hit me today. I am in a HORRIBLE situation yet today, around 3pm, will be that "half hour" of over. AND I don't even get to be involved. I'm dying on the inside but I know too, that I need to walk away. It's taken me 10 years to draw a line between what I want and what I need to do. I had to work really hard to color in that blurry ten year line and I am still not sure if I can even see it. I hope things get better for you, & if you need to vent...I'll be rocking back and forth over here!

    Fool

    http://fourtunesfool.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  5. what a beautifully sad story. heartbreaking really

    ReplyDelete
  6. I feel for you as you end your...(insert label here)..with Chad.

    But more importantly, I think it is very brave to be so candid and open in such a public forum about your inner thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I feel really bad for you, breakups are never easy. But you'll get through, we all do...
    *hug*

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sorry for your pain my friend. Good for you moving on and creating a space in your life and your heart where you can allow a new, healthy and fully satisfying relationship to develop. Big hugs!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sometimes, as painful as it is, the hardest part is finding the strength to make that ultimate decision.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Splitting up is difficult, even when it is the best thing to do for both of you. Good on ya for not immediately responding to his text - it must have been tempting to do so. Best of all, you said what you needed to say to him. I'm proud of you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Weighing the decisions of the heart and that of the mind is not easy. At the end of the day, we learn from whatever we chose and live the memories of the past...and avoid playing the "What if? Game"

    ReplyDelete
  12. closure is needed no matter how it's done, either ending the relationship or amending a broken one.

    kudos to you for sharing.

    ***ladyvader99.blogspot.com***

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  14. you're brave enough to reply. others just leave em hanging.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh honey, I'm so sorry... Usually breakups take longer than a simple statement, in my experience. Even if it's simply a matter of one party waking up long after the "breakup" and realizing it's really over. Even when your mind knows something, sometimes the heart doesn't want to buy in.

    You did the right thing. It hurts, but it was the right thing.

    ~M

    ReplyDelete
  16. Im sure it hurts, a lot, but good for you, no need in staying in a toxic relationship! :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. wow did that ever move me...what you did is so very, very hard to do.....

    I was just thinking about how I wish there were blogs when I was going through my many relationship issues when I was young...

    Maybe I wouldn't have made so many of the mistakes that I had made.

    ReplyDelete
  18. This was beautifully written and perfectly articulated what so many have experienced. Congratulations to you for making the choice that you NEEDED to make, rather than the one you may have WANTED to make. Many - most - could not have been so strong.

    Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing.

    PMT
    http://thisthattheotherone.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. When I broke up with my ex, it was hard. I knew how he was going to react but he had been basically cheating on me with a girl he's never met before and fueled her ideas of sex and meeting him.

    He put her in front of me for far too long and I couldn't take it anymore.

    I haven't talked with him since the last night of our class.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sometimes relationships that were built on sincere feelings do not end with a dot, but a dot, dot, dot. It is my hope that clarity will eventually come to fruition. Nice blog, btw. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. This was rather beautiful and bittersweet.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm sorry about the pain you must be going through. Breakups are tough for everyone concerned. But I'm so glad that you waited and thought before you texted him back. It's always best to think things through before acting, especially in a relationship like this one.

    Jai

    ReplyDelete
  23. What a beautifully written piece - I love the emotion you are able to communicate with your words. Hang in there - breakups are so very hard but as I'm sure many people have told you, it will get easier!

    p.s. thanks for visiting my blog :-)
    www.depotstreetdiaries.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. This is heart-breaking and yet inspiring in the sense that you were strong enough to give him (and yourself) the response that needed to be given. In my experience, the break-up process is often 2 steps forward and one step backward. You have my moral/spiritual support.

    p.s. I LOVE your "About Me" page: I wanted to shout YES YES YES while I was reading it.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm not sure who you are or how you found me, but I'm glad you did! I've just been looking around your little bloggy world and I really like it. I'm adding you to my reader - you've got yourself a new follower!

    ReplyDelete
  26. well written - like the imagery of the "the almost imperceptible, but unmistakable, disintegration of affection" been there - hurts.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh, wow, do I understand. I broke up with a girl 32 years ago (wow, that's a long time). Whenever I speak of her, I call her "the girl who broke my heart." Even though we both moved on DECADES (there's that time thing again!) ago with families of own whom we love with all our hearts, it's still a wound.

    ReplyDelete
  28. wow, this is so true! Breaking up is agonizing, I'm sorry :( On the plus side though, your writing is amazing, I wish I wrote this well! (and thanks for stopping by my blog :) )

    - www.itsanewkate.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  29. I really feel for you. Really well written post. Hope things get better for you.

    ReplyDelete
  30. This is ringing true with me at the moment.

    I broke about from my imaginary relationship 2 weeks ago after 6 months together. We said goodbye and parted amicably as I knew I wanted more and could do better.

    He text me Sunday night asking how I was. I am yet to reply and thinking carefully what I really want, if anything further from him (we had discussed friendship).

    Well done for making the break and hope you stay strong.

    PS Loving your page lay out.

    ReplyDelete
  31. You were kind enough to read one of my posts, so thought I'd return the favor, though it honestly wasn't a chore since I have enjoyed what I've read of your entries so far. :)

    I'm really sorry that you are going through the breakup process though. :( I can only give you the encouragement that it does get better, even if it takes years as it did for me. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  32. sorry for that and i wish that you're already move on..

    ReplyDelete
  33. sorry i got confused. werent you going out with JT?or chad and Jt was one and the same? or i missed reading the part where youve broken up with JT and gotten on with chad? just some clarifications :D

    ReplyDelete
  34. Thats such a sad, heartfelt post. I loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  35. @anonymous: Hey, still going out with JT. This happened several years ago, way before JT. I don't write chronologically, so things have a tendency to be confusing. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Hello! Hehehe.. maraming salamat po sa pagbati saken nung birthday ko! Sobrang naaappreciate ko po kahit simpleng "Happy birthday" message lang, lalo na yung may mga extra message pa. Maraming salamat po ulit! Sana next birthday ko anjan ka pa rin to greet me. :D

    At tutal naman, nandito na lang rin ako, plug ko na rin ang blog ko. Sa February, (love month) I'll be publishing all my love posts, at letters na sinulat ko. :)

    Thanks ulit! lol. Di po ako makapag blog masyado, it's been a busy week, January is a busy month for me. God bless and world peace! ü

    http://twitter.com/nielz01
    yahoo messenger: nielz01
    http://nielz01.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  37. It is liberating to finally say what you want, what you need to say.

    ReplyDelete
  38. it sucks having to break up with someone you love,

    pero kung eto lang ang paraan para maging okay ka, do so...., kung ikakaligaya mo wag kang magalinlangan,....

    if you want somebody to lean on, i am welcoming you on my shoulders....,

    here's my link if you want to get in touch

    http://theoswriting.blogspot.com/

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. The inexorable truth of the matter is that love hurts. I've been in a similar situation recently with someone I loved, and it literally reduced me to shreds. To be quite candid, I'm still trying to get over the pain it caused me. I found myself uninterested in virtually everything around me, such as my friends or family. I didn't want anything to do with anyone. Further exposing the truth, I was the one that ended it. She decided to use some choice words that I found to be hurtful, and at that point, there was no turning back. I knew that she would be better off without me, and in time, she was. She found someone new, and now they are deeply in love.

    I know that by letting her go, I was ridding myself of the pain she caused me and of the pain I would cause her. She is better off, and it took me awhile to fully bring that notion into the light.

    As for your troubles, the only advice I have for you is to remain steadfast. Continue dating, and try and find that one person you have a beautiful connection with. It may take longer than you want it to, but I guess that's why they say "You can't rush art".

    Cheers, love.

    ReplyDelete
  40. just 4 word for you:

    "I FEEL FOR YOU" :')

    ReplyDelete
  41. Relationships that mean so much but always end up in the "gray areas" and the eventual trivializing of them...that really really sux. Hope you have managed to put this behind you.

    ReplyDelete
  42. wow! this post is just so true. i couldn't agree with you more. i hope everything would be fine with you...in time. *pats you at the back*

    ReplyDelete
  43. I can relate to this blog. when you love a person so much, sometimes the brain just shuts down and let the heart overrule.But hat's off to you for finding the courage to walk away. How I wish I was as brave as you were.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...