Friday, October 1, 2010

Heartbreak



It was 8 years ago when I found myself staring at a phone number I both did and did not want to call. I was still living with my parents then. I was lying in bed, in a small bedroom half-cloaked in darkness, the only light coming from a small fluorescent bulb hanging above my nightstand. I remember my heart pounding, and the voice in my head saying I shouldn't do this, this could only end in disaster.

I should have listened. But I didn't. I didn't know if what I felt was love; but back then, I thought that it was. It was a craving, an obsession over something I knew I couldn't have. But I hoped that, over my otherwise flawless arguments, I was wrong; that this, whatever it was, could work.

I found myself dialing that number. It was a unique experience; I felt like I didn't own my body. I was both waiting for him to pick up the phone, and watching myself wait expectantly. I could feel my heart pounding still.

"Hello."

"Hi, it's me."

"Yea. What's up?"

"I really don't know how to begin."

"I can't stay long. I'm kind of with...someone right now."

"I'm sorry. I just need to tell you this."

Silence. I held my breath for what seemed like an eternity until he said "ok."

Everything came out in a rush. "I know you're in a relationship right now, but every time you are with me you keep telling me it's not working, and I feel like we have something, you know? And, and I was hoping that, that once you get a clear head, a clear idea of what you really want out of your life, you'd realize that he's not right for you. That I am, that more than anything, I want you to be happy. I can make you happy."

He did not respond. I continued, "I guess what I wanted to say is that, at the end of the day, I hope you realize that I am the better choice, that I am the better man. I hope that you could see that you should pick me. Not him. He doesn't see you the way I do."

"He doesn't love you the way I do," I also wanted to say, but I stopped myself before I embarrassed myself further. I knew his answer even before he said it, even before I finished talking, even before I dialed his number.

"I can't deal with this right now." He was trying to keep his voice light and upbeat. I realized he was putting on a show for whomever he was with at the time. "I'm just busy right now. Let's talk later ok? Ok? Thanks for calling. I appreciate it."

There were no fireworks, no epiphany. Nothing on the other end. The complete absence of any reaction from him humiliated me. How pointless that whole conversation was; how useless.

Then it struck me how silently a heart can break. And how the silence of one heart breaking into a thousand tiny pieces can be so deafening.

I realized what I forgot. He was my first love, but I wasn't his. Perhaps love wasn't even there after all.

I placed my phone on the side of my bed, closed my eyes, and tried to sleep. I hoped that everything would be better in the morning.


Photo taken here.

38 comments:

  1. I am so sorry :( I have been there, it sucks royally. You do realize though that they can't be the one if you have to try so hard to let them know you are and they don't see it and they are not trying hard in return.

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  2. All of us have been there but whenever someone writes or shares an experience as this, I can't stop feeling sad and weepy. Call me emotional or sentimental but then, it happens. But these stories are lovely remainders of our life. As an incentive, these stories can entertain and engage many readers and generations.

    Joy always,
    Susan

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  3. mmmm hmmmm.... I really like the "I realized what I forgot. He was my first love, but I wasn't his"

    love is a delicate being... this conversation should have taken place after dinner in a diner, standing in the pouring rain on the street....

    I banish the phone heart-felts!

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  4. This is sad but I too know this feeling. How 8 was early for a first love...

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  5. DAMN THAT BROUGHT ME BACK! I was always "the eight yearold"! For years I had love for people who damn sure didn't love me! Fuck them all with a thorny cactus!!

    ...but FINALLY I got one! It took 15 years...but woo hoo!

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  6. This post took me back to my teens . . . I recently connected with the sister of a guy I briefly went out with when I was in school. I wasn't sure his sister would remember me but she said "off course I remember you, you were my brother's first girlfriend"! It's funny . . . I just assumed that he'd been out with other people before me, I had no idea that I was the first person he'd gone out with.

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  7. we have all been there at one point or another.

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  8. I feel your pain my friend. I thought I was completely in love with my last boyfriend, but I think it was something closer to obsession - I wanted him to complete me because I couldn't do it myself. I would bend over backwards to try and make him happy, but he could never love me the way that I loved him and it took me a while to come to that realization too.

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  9. (((Hugs))) ...The language of the heart can be so painful <3

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  10. " I realized what I forgot. He was my first love but I wasnt his."

    Damn!!! Very moving....I could definitely use that line in a movie...I really like your blog man...ingat!

    asiong32.blogspot.com

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  11. awwww... its funny how illusive first love can be and how celebrated it is. My first love was a disaster too. =)

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  12. Wow ..so true a heartbreak can be so silent to others around us and so deafening to ourselves! We have all been there, and it made you a better person for putting it out there then if you had kept it in!

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  13. That's terrible, and one of the reasons I don't plan to ever be in a relationship with anyone.

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  14. The ones that weren't 'the one' make 'the one' so much sweeter when s/he finally arrives!

    Happy travels!

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  15. i once had a puppy love who gives hints that he likes me too.

    but we ended up to NOTHING...

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  16. I feel sooo bad... I hope that never happens to anyone ever again. Especially you! Cheer up! :')

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  17. You know that is a very sad story, and I know how that feels, I have been there. I used to think that there was something wrong with me that I was always not as good as someone else. But... when you find the right one, it's easy and they want nobody else but you. I have found mine, I hope you find yours. Kisses!

    Follow me @ amberlashell.com

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  18. First love, first heart break, aah the first is the best, and the worst.

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  19. "I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed. "
    I love this quote. I've never had the experience (since I'm still oh-so young) of loving someone other than my family, but I do know that it hurts a lot but it could also be the best damn thing on earth. This guy was obviously not for you if he couldn't see what a great guy you are!

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  20. I've done something like that, too. It feels alot like...stabstab, twisttwist...ugh.

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  21. his ship has sailed but I was still at the pier waving at someone who's got his arms around someone else already

    this experience tends to define how we deal... then we become our version of the person who hurt us like hell

    it is amazing how we feel so deeply in love with someone who doesn't want anything to do with us anymore

    sabi nga sa isang blog post --- ang ikli naman ng forever mo

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  22. I really enjoyed reading...I've read it twice.
    :-)))
    Very interesting blog.
    :-)

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  23. Excellent post. I enjoyed:

    "Then it struck me how silently a heart can break. And how the silence of one heart breaking into a thousand tiny pieces can be so deafening."

    So very true. Your heart may break, but another's may be untouched.

    http://lookingforloveinla.blogspot.com

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  24. I can totally relate.
    It's good that u tried.

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  25. that was brave. some people think it is pathetic but for me it was brave.

    it takes a lot of courage putting into words how the other party feels. and say it to the one who treats you as the other party.

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  26. First heartbreak? Many firsts will still happen. Sometimes, another heartbreak feels like it's the first time all over again. Unrequited love is a great teacher.

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  27. so hauntingly beautiful.

    Oh the sound of a heart breaking. Loud and silent all at the same time. so very very true. I hopes your heart mends in time...if this was you.

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  28. @bemistified: That's true, love shouldn't be that hard.

    @susan: Thanks. Part of the mosaic I call my life.

    @kay: I agree. Phones are evil. Especially if partnered with alcohol.

    @jstar: I wasn't 8, it happened 8 years ago. :-)

    @Falen: Hahaha. Thorny cacti FTW.

    @becca: ;-)

    @molly: In hindsight, it's easier to see where one went wrong, but in the moment, it can be crazy.

    @nolly: Amen.

    @ugly stepsister and asiong: Thanks.

    @gessyl: :-) We learn something at least.

    @SSW: I think so too. Thank you.

    @Random: Awww, relationships aren't so bad. Even the threat of a heartbreak isn't as bad as not even trying I think.

    @red: Totally agree.

    @narnian: So much better. :-)

    @kamila: Well, there's always next time, hopefully.

    @Loulou: Thanks. :-)

    @amber: I agree. Finding the perfect mate is wonderful.

    @ali: Thanks!

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  29. @blasphemous: No truer words have been spoken.

    @Talia: That pretty much sums it up I think. :-)

    @nessa: and then a little more stabbing, a little more twisting.

    @blue: panalo. at totoo. magamit nga yan minsan.

    @ryu: sometimes you lose horribly. but hitting the jackpot is sweet.

    @ayami: Thanks. :-)

    @daniel: I agree. But it was still humiliating. :-)

    @kiks: Thank you for that.

    @lisa: So freaking true.

    @ron: Unrequited love is also an incredibly sadistic one. Hahaha.

    @Tabitha: Thanks. And it was. :-)

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  30. Such a raw and familiar feeling. Brilliantly written, I was immediately on the phone with you.

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  31. Wow, that really brought me back. Reading it, I could seriously feel all of that again...as I'm sure we've all been there before. Amazing, you really have a way with words.

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  32. I sincerely feel u should thank him for those moments...Firstly 4 sweeping u off the feet n letting u 2 celebrate the intensity of emotions which forced you to surrender
    n secondly 4 d urge u wud have had then, after the rejection 2 be all d more better.
    Love or whatever even if it's one sided is beautiful..:)

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  33. wait, you're gay??

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