Monday, September 13, 2010

Missed Opportunities



My first foray towards gay dating was through the Internet, in this chatroom known as #bi-manila. To give you an idea of how it worked, well, basically it was a chatroom. Random users put random personal ads on the main page, and if you liked someone based on his description of himself, you can send him a personal message. Then you chat privately. If you two mutually agree that you like each other, you usually trade pictures, and then meet in real life.

I met a lot of boys this way. Well, at least electronically. I wasn't ready for the real thing yet. But chatting with people semi-anonymously kind of eased the process.

I remember chatting with this guy named Leo. He was interesting. He liked the same things I liked, and we chatted for hours. At some point, he asked if I wanted to talk on the phone. I hesitated at first, then agreed later on. I typed in my phone number.

He was just as interesting a person on the phone as he was on the computer. I found him very likable. We bonded over a mutual appreciation for fantasy novels and the television show "Charmed". As a pseudo-date, it was pretty good I thought.

Then he asked me if I wanted to meet in person. I knew I should have expected this, but it still felt like it came out of nowhere. I remained silent for a while. I heard the worry in his voice when he asked if I was still there. I said that I was. And then told him I'll think about it.

We ended the conversation on that note. It was getting late, and we were both tired.

The next day I texted him that yes, I wanted to meet up. He said great. He told me we could meet in Powerbooks in Megamall.

The whole day was spent worrying over the upcoming meet up. Several things were running through my mind. What if he hates me? What if he thinks I'm ugly? What if I think he's ugly? What if I meet someone I know in the bookstore while I'm with him? What if the date goes horribly, freakishly wrong? What if he really is a mass murdering serial killer in disguise?

I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't sleep. I decided to watch television.

Fifteen minutes before the appointed time for the date, I decided I wasn't going to go anymore. It was too nerve-wracking. I tried to take a nap again. I still couldn't sleep.

I heard my phone beep once. Then twice. Then several rings. I never answered it. I deleted the messages before reading them as well. I knew what they would say. I was embarrassed, but more than that, I was angry. I was a jerk. I hated myself.

And in my head there was this small voice saying I will never find anyone. I'm too scared of opportunities, too broken. Perhaps it would be better to accept I would be alone for the rest of my life.

I told my friend about the incident, and he told me not to worry about it. "There are plenty of fish in the sea," he reminded me. I nodded, appeased. Then I remembered the real problem. I couldn't verbalize it. Saying it aloud would make it come true I knew. But the small voice was insistent. "What if they don't want me?"

Photo taken here.

25 comments:

  1. I am one of those people that feel things happen for a reason. I also hate when I feel I have missed an opportunity as well, but you will have to chalk it up and move on, can't change the past unfortunately. The dilemmas of life I tell you!

    bemistified.blogspot.com

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  2. Dating in general can be scary, especially those first meetings when it's a 'blind date' sort of scenario. But when it's your first foray into the gay dating world I bet it was extremely nerve-wracking.

    But I am sure you'd find dozens of people who read your blog that have had similar experiences, regardless of sexual persuasion. No one can fault you for getting cold feet!

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  3. I'd probably have done the same thing. It's weird, when I'm around people I DON'T know, I'm so much more outgoing than I really am. i act as if things don't bother me even if they do....anyway, I think anybody in that situation would've been nervous, especially since you didn't actually KNOW the person. It's always easier if you've met them before or something.

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  4. gawain ko yan nun araw!

    and yeah,the worries and anxiety are always there before the meet ups..pero part un e..yun ma reject ka at mang reject ka...its just a cycle till you find the right person...

    madami din naman mga possible good person there,goodluck!

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  5. That's the thing about everyone, we are all so scared to take chances, but the thing is if we don't take chances, if we just sit around doing nothing, then nothing good, nothing exciting will ever happen. Life has so many opportunities but were so scared to take them. We have to take those opportunities though or else life...it won't be worth living now, would it?

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  6. It's okay that you didn't go on the date. Plus, there's someone for everyone in this world. You'll find your perfect match. And when you do, you'll wonder why you were even worrying about the guy you met on the internet.
    -Jodie-Ann

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  7. aww kawawa naman sya.
    u should've been kinder =)
    .
    .
    anyway, there's always that fear of rejection & everyone must confront them straight ahead.
    me? still working on it. good luck with yours!

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  8. i totally resonate with this post. I've never ditched a date and no matter how unattractive they are, I still suck it up and stay. I'm too nice that way.

    I'm off the market, indefinitely. Not because I found a partner already but because I'm tired. I'll focus on my job, my marathon training plan and my gym workout (LOL). That part of life can wait.

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  9. @dpking: Not really. I regret being a jerk, that's for sure, but my life choices, at the end of the day, led me to where I am today, and I'm happy being here.

    @bemistified: I sometimes think things happen for a reason. Sometimes I don't. I'm terribly wishy-washy that way. Fickle is a good adjective for me actually. :-)

    @simpledude: Thanks. Never a good idea being a jerk, but it happens.

    @mizzali: I was like that when I was much younger. I got better at it when I got older.

    @maccallister: Hahaha. Glad to know I'm not the only person doing it.

    @talia: I super agree. It's about taking chances.

    @jodie: Thanks!

    @desole: I know. Hahaha. Oh well. Super long ago na yan, I'm sure he moved on in like two seconds after cursing me to hell. Hahaha.

    @narnian. I found Jt while I was supposedly off the market. Life surprises you all the time I think. And gahd, I need to go back to the gym. Bar exams = no exercise + stress eating. Yuck.

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  10. Sorry you feel you missed and opportunity. Maybe it was intuition? Don't sweat it will come back around again. :)

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  11. prior to your meet-up, u kept asking the "what ifs?" and i think that scared you..

    pero, what if nga kung nagmeet kayo?/
    dont worry, if the person really wants to see you kukulitin k nya..

    c'mon, u deserve those opportunities..

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  12. Hang in there! Your friend is right... And that voice in your head? Tell that voice to suck it. You've got amazing things to offer. I can tell this from reading one post.

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  13. I'm guilty of this as hell! A perpetrator and a victim as well. Haha. But, really, it's better to face the music - saves both of you the hurt. :-)

    For me, I already stopped looking - and waiting, better to focus on myself first. After all, there's so much to do with one's life other than dating.

    If the right one comes, you, yourself, would eventually know it. :-)

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  14. honestly, i've been there & did the same thing when I was younger. I'm too afraid to meet up because I'm so afraid of rejection.

    So what I did to overcome this was, to have an "eyeball" together with a friend, so just in case he don't want me, still I have a friend to linger on.

    Lucky for me, nobody rejected me yet for God knows how many times i've been to EB. Till I finally conquered my fears and do it alone on the next meet-ups.

    And yeah, bi-manila --- its where I started. Super classic and I believe it still works now.

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  15. @SSW: Opportunities abound, as they say. :-)

    @ceiboh: Oh well... Thanks for dropping by!

    @country: Thanks! :-)

    @Chuckie: Not looking I think is the best idea. It opens your life to surprises.

    @Life: Naabutan mo din ang bi-manila? Hahaha. I completely agree with your comment.

    @Nimmy: Hahaha. Di naman true names yan.

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  16. I really believe that there's someone for everyone. You just weren't at a point where you were ready to find out and that's ok.

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  17. @Dyche: I agree. That's what I think too. :-)

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  18. If you had met Leo and the whole in-person meeting thing did turn out awkward, then at least something good could've come out of it...even if the whole thing turned awry--you could have a completely awesome horrible story to write about (like the stories on this website):

    Myveryworstdate.com

    But, if Leo turned out to be the creepster serial killer type, then I'm glad you ignored his texts/calls.

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  19. @Shanimal: True. Will check that site out.

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  20. You started the process. That's the most important thing. You're right - not everyone will want you. And you won't want everyone. Similarly, there will absolute be people that will want you and that you will want. The experience of trying really does go a long way.

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  21. Dating is the most daunting thing in the world for me, so I can absolutely relate to this. Take all the stress of going on an interview, multiply it by 100, throw in insecurities, fears, and worst-case-scenarios and it's bound to be a recipe for disaster. But in order to see what really is out there, we have to throw ourselves into a pool and learn to swim. Do it only when you feel ready, however you see fit, and in an environment that makes you feel comfortable. I'm sure you'll meet a great guy in no time. In the meantime, have fun shamelessly flirting with attractive strangers. It can be a tremendous boost to the ego and you might find it to be a more organic way of meeting someone :)

    I wish you the best of luck!!

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  22. If you are not ready, then don't let yourself or anyone else pressure the decision. If your reaction was so strong, pretty sure you weren't ready for that step. Sometimes we do have to push ourselves, but sometimes we just know better and don't realize it. Societal pressures are ridiculous at times and they can do a number on one's psyche. Lighten up and see what happens next time.

    Oh, and thanks for popping in to visit me in my world. I appreciate you commenting.
    Katherine

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  23. @bipolar, cornflake and kkrige: Thanks for the advice. :-) And I completely agree. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and commenting. Much appreciated.

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