Sometime this year, I woke up one
morning and realized I couldn't recognize myself.
And it wasn't just how I looked
physically. Something has... shifted internally. How I view the world, or form relationships, or process emotions--it's as if a completely
different person is in charge now, and I'm only realizing recently how
incredible that change has been.
It started with a resolution earlier
this year that I will start saying yes to new experiences, even if I usually
find them terrifying. So I said yes to traveling more, and connected with old
friends in a way that I didn't think was possible. I said yes to friends
setting me up on blind dates, and though nothing came out of them in a
romantic sense, the experiences allowed me to connect more deeply with
myself--and I was reminded of the value I can give in a relationship, and to
not compromise my happiness simply because I fear being alone. I attended my
first music festival with an acquaintance who slowly became a very good friend,
and I learned that sometimes doing crazy things is necessary to keep myself
sane. And then someone I barely interacted with in law school (who didn't even
know we went to the same school but who learned about me through my blog) asked
me to have dinner with him and his friends, and they become some of the best
and most fun people I've met in my life.
Then there were things I did on my own.
I went to the gym. I tried group cycling exercises. I forced myself to talk to
strangers (which is terrifying to me, although I'm actually pretty talented at
masking my fear). I climbed a fucking mountain. I started writing again.
Slowly, the introverted, judgmental,
cynical person I used to be became outgoing and open. Who would have thought
that was possible? It still feels a little strange, and honestly a little
frightening, but definitely not in a bad way.
So I guess my resolution for next year
is basically going to be a continuation of my resolution this year-- to keep
pushing myself, to keep saying yes to new experiences, to surround myself with
people who love me (despite my many, many flaws), to trust more, and to find out what, or who, I can become, if I never give up. I'm excited to see what happens.
