I've been taking stock of my life
lately, and as what usually happens when I go through this process, a slight
sadness has settled into my routine. Nothing major, only the after-effect of my
directionless existentialist musings. I've been looking at the things I find
important right now, and I weigh them from different perspectives. Sometimes I
feel like I've made mostly right choices; sometimes I feel like I'm in a rut
that I need to get out of; mostly, well, mostly I'm just undecided. What am I
doing with my life? Where am I going?
To be perfectly honest, this blog has
been something of an anchor for me. It's nice to think that someone out there
is actually listening to me, when I air these things that usually pervade my
mind. I don't know, I just feel... restless. Rudderless. Lost.
When I was younger, I realized that I
lived my life in cycles of highs and lows, in an almost too predictable way
that, if I were to chart my life, I would definitely see a pattern of
repetitive peaks and valleys. I tried to understand my motivations, and I
realized that the reason for this repetition is an almost uncanny need for...drama?
I can't even find a proper word for it. I guess it's like this: I seem to be
unable to be content. For me, contentment breeds restlessness, boredom.
And that's the funny thing, because
even now, after I've taken stock of where I am, and how perfect my life is at
this very moment, I feel the urge to run away and disappear. Does that make
sense? My thoughts are a jumble.
Maybe it's just the season. Another
year has gone by. Maybe this is just nostalgic musings masquerading as pain. I
don't know. Maybe I would feel better in the morning.
Photo taken here.
I know it happens to me -- the desire to disappear, even though life is going wonderfully or at least not horribly. The good news is if you can wait out the lows then you can ride the highs for all they are worth.
ReplyDeletebaconnbetelgeuse.blogspot.com
I think this time of year has this affect on people as there is so much pressure to be "happy" just cos it's Christmas. Just ride it out and you will get to the other end like before and you will feel better again. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeletehttp://lyndylou-whocares.blogspot.com
I believe everyone feels that way from time to time. Luckily, those of us who are authors, can create a place to hide into right in front of everyone's faces when we write. Life is full of ebbs and flows. It makes things interesting and makes us stronger, better, and wiser. Have a great holiday, and remember Happiness is a choice.
ReplyDeletei feel the same way. i've even accused myself of being self-destuctive: wanting to run away even when everything is going well.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. I've been told that I invent things to worry about because I can't just be happy with how things are. That's what's so great about blogging - it's venting in cyberspace!
ReplyDeletewww.lottiespartacus.blogspot.com
I can totally relate. Just last night I kind of lost it and my husband literally said, "Are you serious? Look around you. What could you possibly have to be upset about?" But I was just so over doing the same crap every week. Like, I don't WANT to keep cleaning and dusting and doing laundry every week just so I can turn around and do it again on the next repeat day. Sometimes it all just feels so pathetic and pointless.
ReplyDeleteMy blog has seen those episodes of mine as well. For the most part, life can get monotonous, and it does. That's the time when running away seems like a great idea. Other days though, life is awesome and you'll feel as if you wouldn't want anything more.
ReplyDeleteHey, at least we can write about it. :)
I have yet to let my blog go there. I certainly get those thoughts and feelings in my offline life, but I guess I am not sure how I would bring that to the blog.
ReplyDeleteI think I may have created a blog that wouldn't really allow that - since people come to it looking for something funny, silly or downright stupid. Maybe i'll need a second blog for the real feelings.
SD
simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com
Reflection can lead to happiness but also sadness because you see the good and bad and how things have changed. It can also (and it does this to me) make you see how grown up and settled you are which is terrifying.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon, but sometimes its good to embrace the sadness, and blogging can be free therapy :)
I love your honesty and how thoughtful this post was.
ReplyDeleteI often want to "disappear" (I think it is the cat in me), even when things are good.
I agree with someone else who said that everything ebbs and flows, life is a cycle.
I went to a Social Worker once who told me my need for "drama" (that I had when I was young) was due to growing up with a turbulent childhood. My need to disappear would turn up whenever I was in a GOOD relationship...I would want to run (that is no longer the case, I worked through it). The Social Worker told me the "good" feelings were alien to me and I had to work through them and stay and not dump a "too nice" guy...
Did your childhood have moments of turbulence?
i have been feeling a lot like this myself lately. mostly it feels like I am wasting any potential for doing anything good with my life.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up and remember that self reflection is a good thing that can propell us in new direction
Wait....there's a high side to life? Holy crap, I need to look for that!
ReplyDeleteThat is, after all, the essence of the existential angst. Even when life is good, you feel like there's nothing significant to it and you bag your head into it every day trying to make it significant, but it doesn't happen, and then when you bang your head often enough you just collapse into the pit.
ReplyDeleteFrom one drama addict to another, I totally understand. Books and writing are my friends.
ReplyDeletei think everyone is faced with thinking about what to do, what lies ahead and it seems to be this incredibly heap, there's naught to do but think about running from it. hell, i do that everyday <3
ReplyDelete***ladyvader99.blogspot.com***
I can agree with that. I have felt the same way before.
ReplyDeleteAnd when I saw that picture, I could not help but think "Wilson".
Im the same way, always fighting down the urge to run away and do something funner! I know I know, funner isn't really a word, but it makes me giggle!!! Happy Ho Ho week Fickle! :)
ReplyDeleteI think it is almost natural to become a little nostalgic, even sad, when taking stock of our lives as you said.
ReplyDeleteWe will always look back with some "what if's", hopefully fewer regrets, and more of "yea, I did ok's"
I think you are doing it right though, as long as we make ourselves, stop, look and think occassionally, it keeps us on the right path and if we have veered off a bit, we catch it early enough to get back on course.
Good luck!
I feel the same way about my blog.. that it someone helps me to vent...
ReplyDeletebut I also feel that though I feel I have this very smooth life.. Im still looking for more..
I think I've got a fair idea how that feels...I have just come up after a period of feeling low..on a few days, I wake up feeling restless and thinking that I'm wasting my time here....an urge to get away grips...like you said, maybe it's this time of the year....
ReplyDeleteEveryone goes through it, it's natural. The only thing is you have to get through it. Cycles are a part of life. Just wait, before you know it this low cycle will turn into a high cycle and you will just wonder why you ever felt that bad!
ReplyDeleteWe are here to support you and listen to you. You are a wonderful person and I look forward to reading what you have to say.
http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
what you're feeling isn't as unusual as you think right now.
ReplyDeleteIt's not unusual to stop and reflect upon life. We all go through those "feeling blue" phases so know that you aren't alone. And yes, more often than not, everything does seem better in the morning. Big hugs!
ReplyDeletehttp://rantersbox.blogspot.com
You're not alone. It's a cycle.You'll be happy the next day.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this a whole lot at times. I hate that feeling of not knowing where your going and feeling off-track almost. But things always have a way of correcting themselves. Blogging always makes me feel better too.
ReplyDeletesanaaliii.blogspot.com
Have a wonderful 2011 with lots of inspiration!
ReplyDeleteOhh. Me too, sometimes I have that longing to go to a place where no one knows me. =p
ReplyDeleteHey FC, Merry X'mas
ReplyDeletehappy christmas
ReplyDeleteI, and likely most the people commenting, follow your blog. You are extremely talented at this, or else we would not follow, and your personality shines through, or else we would not comment.
ReplyDeleteHave a merry Christmas and rest at ease at least thirty people out there are actually listening to you. (You could teach a small primary class with that amount, and let's be honest you never forget your first teachers.)
In North America, what your experiencing is called the "winter blues". You could not really explain it, maybe it's the weather or for us women it may be the hormones but you just feel uninspired or would like to escape. I felt the same since I was a bit homesick. Snapped out of it quickly though. Nothing Baileys and coffee could not fix. ;)
ReplyDeleteHappy Holidays!
most have been said. "I understands" and I know where you're coming froms" are cliche, So lemme just tell you, let's go grab some ice cold beer, the should drive the blues away!
ReplyDeletemerry christmas and a happy new year!
thereissomethingaboutmaria.blogspot.com
I think it's normal for young people (I don't exactly know how old you are, but I'm 21) to be discontent. Try not to over-think it!
ReplyDeleteThis is a tricky time of year. For all of the joy, the cold and excessive lack of sunlight can do a real number on things.
ReplyDeleteYou are an absolutely wonderful writer though, I must say! :)
Holy frikin cow, I feel the same way all of the time! Even though you're happy and everything, you want to start a new life somewhere else type of thing? hahaha, I'm not sure if that's what you're thinking about, but whenever I think like that, I listen to the song 'Boston' by Augustana because it's so fitting.
ReplyDeleteHave a grand day (or night) palios :]
First off, this time of year is sucky. All this new years reflecting and another year gone and change. Phooey. Makes me depressed. Just try to focus on each individual moment, each breath. Be thankful for each breath and you won't have time to stress about anything else. Work for me, most of the time. Sorry- too new-age-y?
ReplyDeleteAt the end of every year I take time to review the year. This year was pretty dismal one for me. I was some what depressed for many various and valid reasons. I decided to get back to writing and blogging.When I write I get it up, get it out,and get over it. Keep writing. Thanks for visiting my blog. I am happy to hear that my blog about death by fuzzy snuggie "Danger,Danger Will Robinson" amused you. Ever watch the tv show 1,000 ways to die? Now you can say that you know me.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great perspective to start and enjoy the new year.
ReplyDeleteI think I can relate... The need for drama? Yeah, i think you said that quite well... We all have it. But look forward to 2011! In the end, there's always more good than bad in our lives! :)
ReplyDeletecool post man. im sure youve figured things out by now...
ReplyDeletehttp://goodmusak.blogspot.com/