Friday, September 9, 2011

An Open Letter to an Old Friend

for you my friend, and for what we once were
Image taken here.

I don’t remember when we first met.  We were young definitely, but outside of the faded images in my head of you running around the bright hallways of our school, I couldn’t remember much of anything else.  You had hair then, I think, which resembled your mother’s: uncontrollably wavy, and a deep black. I also remember you being a bit of a snob. Even as a six year old, you had an amazing sense of your own self worth.

But I don’t think we were friends then, although we like to tell people we were. I was too shy and awkward and you were too confident and self-assured. Sure, we exchanged occasional smiles, and probably played a few games together, but we were never close. I don’t think we really had the chance to be. We were too different.

I grew up bookish and slightly unsure of myself, though cleverly masked by the insults I carelessly threw at people as a defense mechanism. (Even then, I had an extraordinary talent for insulting people). You, unsurprisingly, grew into a remarkably adept social butterfly.

I remember you coming out of the closet at the ripe, old age of twelve. Which was funny because by the time you came to terms with who you were as a person, I barely even understood who, or what, I was. I thought it was funny how you managed to shock the school, both teachers and students alike, into accepting, albeit grudgingly, who you were. I don’t know how you felt about it, but it was quite an achievement.

I remember feeling envious. I couldn’t admit it at the time, or I didn’t want to, because to admit it meant accepting a few truths about myself I wasn’t ready to accept yet.  And I guess, looking back, I realize that that was precisely what I felt envious about. Your ability to both care and not care. And your ability to be happy.

It’s not as easy as it sounds, choosing to be happy. Sometimes it requires courage of the highest degree.

We became close at a difficult time in my life. I was struggling with bouts of depression, unsure of my place in the world, and you were, well, still yourself: confident, sure and happy. Exactly as you have always been.

I remember us spending long hours discussing, of all things, Foucault and Derrida and Marx and culture and politics and life, our raised voices disturbing what was otherwise a quiet and peaceful night. We rarely agreed on anything, except on the fact that we both enjoyed a healthy debate.

Our discussions turned into a weekly tradition; something I looked forward to at the end of an otherwise mundane week. And, in the course of those countless conversations, what casual relationship we had turned into a true and honest friendship.

But, like everything else in the world, we changed. Our values diverged, and what connection we had weakened over the years. The changes were minute, and the disintegration of our relationship barely perceptible, but it was happening, and it was very difficult for either of us to do anything about it.

Until that one moment our friendship was tested, and laid bare its weaknesses, and broke.

I can’t blame you for your decisions. They are yours, and as always, you cannot help but be who you are all the time. I hold no grudge. Know that I am still here, and that I am still your friend.

I wish things were simpler, where whatever problems we had could be solved by the simple act of picking up a phone and communicating. But our lives refuse to bend to my wishes don’t they?

I still hope that when the time is right for the both of us, when things settle down, or whatever complication we managed to make in our lives sort itself out, we can just continue the friendship right where we left off. But even if the time never becomes right, where silence and distance completely erase the possibility of the friendship we should have had, I can at least take comfort in the fact that in the twenty odd years I’ve spent in this life, I’ve met someone who left a huge indelible mark in my heart.

43 comments:

  1. I love this piece... For sure you'll be able to fix it. :-)

    -Pet

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  2. Nicely written. I think shld let go of the past and make effort to reconnect back also make the bond more stronger.

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  3. Hay... This is exactly what I'm feeling right now.
    Thanks for sharing.

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  4. Well written. I always have troubled going back to old friends and trying to pick up from where we left of, most of the time, we totally grew apart and cant find the common ground to start all over again. But some people are lucky to have those kinds of friends. :)

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  5. I am speechless. This was exquisite. I have a friend that hasn't spoken to me for the past 10 years and to this day I don't know why.

    We were the closest of friends. There is a huge void with her not in my life.

    I have sent cards, called, emailed...everything has been ignored. Yes she is alive and well, for that I am happy. I just wish I knew what I did.

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  6. aww.. i can sooo relate to this.. :(

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  7. so enticing, your writing is...
    i've fallen into your stories, enjoying every bit of them...
    thanks.

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  8. this made me cry. with what i have been feeling for over a month now, i thought it could be as easy as picking up the phone and talk. but i think it all fade away last night. I am sure we will find it hard to be as close as we are, but the love i have for the person is too much that i want to keep him even just a friend. he is wonderful as a person, it just that it didn't work out as a pair. hope time would come that we can still be friends.

    thank you for this post i love it.

    JJRod'z

    btw, thank you for visiting my blog and for the comment.

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  9. wow, i suddenly remember one of my bestfriend, She's in the other country and I love her so much. I dunno when will I see her again. time will tell..
    nice post!
    Thanks for visiting my blog, balik ka ulit!! :) :) :)

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  10. very well written. You're friends, you may be different in a lot of ways and not seem to see things in a different perspective - but that's what makes the friendship work.
    I have a friend since my early teens and a lot of people are still unsure up to this day how we ever click as such because we so different. Thank goodness he's never the type who wants to justify his actions. We don't see each other everyday nor even get the chance to talk very often. We have fell out over reasons i can't even remember now... not talk for a long time. But we always know we're friends & somehow we just pick up where we left of... all is forgotten.
    Good luck... I do hope you two patch things up soon. Take care =)

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  11. Thank you for visiting my blog. This is very sensitively written.

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  12. This made me a bit teary-eyed as I've also gone through the same thing. I respect the fact that you wrote this in such as way that there's no animosity or anger seeping from it. It would be hard for me to write a post like this without sounding hurtful or condescending.

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  13. the title seemed familiar but the content is just crazy heart warming!

    I haven't gone too far on writing for my bff. She's just amazing!

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  14. Wow! Nicely written :)

    Thank you for visiting my site :)

    Biboy Fotograpiya
    Visit the Philippines. Filipino Photo Hobbyist.

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  15. I feel for you.

    I have a friend and we were really close, we grew up together, went to school together and built memory together. When we're in high school she went to another school (in the city) and I stayed in our province. things then changed. She made new friends, and so do I. We exchanged letters, keep in touch and all. After a year, she moved back and went to study with me. Once again, new friends and new me. I have my own circle of friends and she's starting with hers too. Unpredictably, this became the reason we split up unnoticed. :(
    blah blah blah...^_^

    anyway, following you..

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  16. You write so well! Thanks for dropping by my blog!

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  17. omg.... i can really relate to this.. i actually have a lot of posts pertaining to my former bestfriend. pero yun we really should learn to move on (and sana maapply ko rin to sa situation ko ngayon) thanks for the comment kuya :)

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  18. This will serves as my inspiration. I've been wanted to write my untold feelings to a so - called friend but for me he is very much different from a word "friend"..thanks for this beautiful post!

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  19. This made me remember I didn't have any friends as a kid.

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  20. very moving letter.
    i still keep good contact with many of my childhood friends but there are still people that i stopped communicating with for no apparent reason other than distance and i miss them.

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  21. very well said ^_^

    i miss my grade school buddies, they are my best friends way back then.

    thanks for visiting my blog ^_^

    + follow

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  22. Annnddddd now I feel bad..............Dammit...............

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  23. That was beautifully well written :)

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  24. ohhhh! I can see some familiar faces and names here :) great! ^_^ let's be friends!!!

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  25. Very well written post.

    Great blog +Followed

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  26. Goodness, this was amazing. So sweet. :D

    Your writing was SO great that I shall follow you even though I've vowed myself not to follow anymore blogs.

    Keep it up! :D

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  27. It was touching, and im the kind of guy that makes fun of everything.

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  28. yes, very touching! it made me miss my bestfriend that lives far away from me now :(
    well written (y)

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  29. That was sad and true. Felt the same on every friend I had and they all just come and go. I guess people come and go no one is permanent.

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  30. I've felt the same way about a lot of old friends. it's sad how we all drift apart.

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  31. I plan on stealing chunks of this in the future if you don't mind.

    Parts of it stuck with me as I try to remember who it reminds me of.

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  32. Well written! It made for a good read, thanks (:

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  33. Wow. you actually made me feel something, and I take pride in my ability to distance myself from such things.
    very well written!

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  34. This is a really good piece of writing, loved it.

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  35. Wow, your a really good writer. I enjoyed that piece of writing even if it was sad. Do you find it easier to write sad stuff, or is that just me? Thanks for your comment, I apreciate it.
    Carla
    redpunzel-carla.blogspot.com

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  36. People change and we just have to move on dear

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  37. hello, i hope everything will be settled.

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  38. hi von! I lost a friend too back in highschool. I mean, we still see each other and talk but the bond isn't there anymore. too bad...
    another awesome post and because of that I hope you wouldn't mind receiving this award. Follow the link

    http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8556833599260049844#editor/target=post;postID=7429932850571781696

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  39. ooops wrong url, here's the right one =D

    http://yenahyen.blogspot.com/2011/09/sunshine-award.html

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  40. Sometimes, the mountains are more beautiful from the plains. Give it time, pray for it and don't give up on the friendship. I wish you well :)

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