Monday, September 26, 2011

A Conversation About Friendship Between Friends

looking for friendship sparks, a conversation between friends
Image taken here.

"It's not that I didn't like him.  I did. Like him, I mean.  But finding someone to be friends with is a lot like finding someone to fall in love with, you know?  Sparks are important.  Even with friends.  Otherwise, you'd be friends with someone whose company feels a lot like work.  And really, that's not something I want to get into right now.  I just can't be friends with someone who feels like a lot of work."   

"But don't friendships, like all relationships, require work?"

"They do, but not at the beginning.  You have to start with a spark, that's how it begins."

"It sounds eerily similar to the notion of finding 'The One', don't you think?"

"Not really.  The difference here is that sometimes you're lucky enough to find ten, or a hundred, people you can have friendship sparks with.  Or none.  The idea of a friendship spark has yet to be destroyed by movies and romance novels and converted into a pseudo-religion which requires 'faith' and waiting for the 'One True Love'.  It's just a true thing, for me.  You can't be friends with everybody."

***

"Do you believe that friendships last forever?"

"Not all.  Maybe some.  People change, and whatever connection or spark you had once can disappear. It's the same with love, you know what I mean, the romantic kind.  They can disappear.  Even if you never want them to, the possibility is always there."

"But aren't friendships supposed to be different from that?"

"It is, in a way, but it's also the same, at least for those types of friendships defined by something more than just a similarity of traits.  I'm not a big believer of the idea that friendships aren't supposed to be work.  They require work, just like everything else."

"But I thought you believed in sparks."

"Yes, but only at the beginning of a friendship.  What comes after will be defined by the level of commitment you put into the relationship."  

***

"Have you ever regretted being friends with anybody?"

"No, not really. You?"

"I can't think of anyone offhand."

"Well, the Zen way of looking at friendships that fail to work would be to think that everything, and everyone, has a time and place.  That there's a reason they came into your life, or left."

"That's not a very helpful philosophy."

"I know, I'm just saying."

"Mature though."

"Yes."

"But practically pointless."

"Well, not entirely.  It doesn't help with fixing friendships, only at accepting loss.  And at the end of the day, that's the most that we can do, you know, to deal with the reality of the present. We accept what is lost.  We pick up the pieces and move on."

35 comments:

  1. Marvelous. I've never seen someone write about friendships in this way, and it just hit home for me. There's a difference between working on a friendship and having it "feel like work." At least to me, and that Zen thing is something I have had to draw on when a friend left my life, especially when I did not understand why they left.

    But I know what you mean about the spark, and sometimes that spark can last a lifetime... partly through the work. I think it's EASIER to care for the spark in a friendship because we DON'T confuse it with that only one true love stuff. The expectations in a healthy friendship are different, I think.

    I'm blithering on. You just truly made me look hard at how I think of friendships. Thanks.

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  2. nice..^_^

    but I do believe that friendship last forever (for me)

    ^_^

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  3. i absolutely get this. i'm in the same frame mind at the moment.

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  4. i love my friend
    he walks away from me
    i love my friend

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  5. i would love to have as many friends as i can, but on the contrary, i just can't make as many friends as i want too.. i agree that relationships including friendship should be worked in order for it to be prosperous. and i also agree that it begins with a spark, because without that certain spark everything will be boring. because of that spark, even water drank together is sweet enough when you're with your friends. :)

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  6. My Grindr profile says: Looking for friends. I don't have gay friends.

    I used to have gay friends and while we were friends, we had fun and I think the friendship was real. However, people change, to be more accurate, I changed. So I drifted apart from them.

    BTW - which of the lines above represent your thoughts? Or is this a conversation that you have in your head? Most good writers ( like you ), have a tendency to develop multiple personalities.

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  7. @House of Queens- that was an actual conversation with a friend, give or take a few edits. Let's keep my identity in the above conversation a secret for now, if you don't mind. I think it lends more weight to the post. ;-)

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  8. Every time I read your writing, I gain new perspectives. Thank you.

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  9. just as people or circumstances come into our lives for a reason, so this post arrived in my reading list for a reason. It was no co-incidence xB

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  10. It's my first time here, and I think you've found a new fan in me ... :D

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  11. @CareerMom: Welcome! Tell your friends! :-p

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  12. I have friends and a girl friend, but what do you mean by spark?

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  13. The moment that a friendship is formed from that "spark", which for me means complementing (and not necessarily similar) personalities and outlooks on life, both parties are transformed. And both continues to change, even drift apart. But personally I believe it's like riding a bicycle. You hop on it, learn it, and even after years of not riding it you would still know how to drive it.

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  14. Ok, you are on my REAL Blog-reader list.

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  15. Nice blog......, friends is always be the one to share.....

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  16. What an insightful commentary on friendship. Definitely food for thought!

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  17. I really like this, it's some good thoughts :) There are people though I do kind of wish I hadn't wasted the effort on.

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  18. Overanalysis, I think. Some things just cannot be explained or are better left as is.

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  19. @Bersercules: Hard to say actually. I guess it's that thing that makes you instantly connect with a person.

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  20. This was great. Definitely something to think about. Also, I would like to thank you for your comment on my blog earlier. Your blog is wonderful. You are sure to be added to my blog readings. :)

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  21. Great thoughts put in great manners. I actually loved the whole conversations.

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    http://sangeetachaubal.blogspot.com/

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  22. So true! Like the way you describe the conversation.

    http://thelegoadventure.blogspot.com/

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  23. There's a lesson in your post: Try to make it easy for people to be friends with you. (I have to give some credit to my cousin, Eileen because she practices this consciously and talks about it, so it was easy for me to recognize the implication of it in your post).
    The idea that people cross your path for a reason, actually, I think, can be very useful, not just for parting ways and feeling okay about it. For one thing, if for some reason you are struggling in a friendship, it can be a good jumping off place for starting to think about and try to resolve that struggle.
    Love the picture at the top!!!

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  24. Keeping friends that take a lot of work drains your life force. Ha! Seriously, it's easier to 'relegate' the hard-works to the acquaintance basket, and better for both individuals' sanity. No 2 people are exactly alike, and everyone grows (i.e. changes) through life, so whether 2 friends/lovers grow apart depends on the fundamental natures of the 2 and the work(!) they put in to refresh the tie, to grow in pace with each other. Oh dear! Said too much, haven't I?! Well, you started it. :D

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  25. Wandered over to say thank you for your Bonza yarn on my blog and i hope to hear from you in the future :-).

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  26. I think some comments here are rather obscure. May be they are spam. This makes me re-think again your words: "You can't be friends with everybody (including in the internet because they may be just spam)." :-) Cheers, Fic.

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  27. This made me think of something Angela Chase said on 'My so called life': There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people who you have this unspoken connection to, even thought there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever, who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change. They've let you change.

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  28. hmmm.. why so NEGA? :D, well, maybe just realistic..

    by the way, do you mind checking out on The Jealous Ex?

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  29. i don't know who you are but i would like to thank you for reading and commenting on my recent blog entry.

    i was actually touched by this blog post of yours because i just had some problems with my friends, especially my best friend. wish to have had good and long conversations with them again. everything became so complicated. i missed them.

    anyway, you've got great blog posts! keep writing and keep inspiring your readers.:)

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  30. My first time here!

    I. love. this. post.

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  31. I love this post. I can totally relate to it, being that my best friend and I "broke up" about two years ago. It's still painful to remember the good times and memories we made. I also think that friendship is similar to love in that once you lose that special person, you feel like you'll never find someone else to fill the void.

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  32. But do you think it's possible to rebuild the lost friendship?

    I hope so. I still do.

    What may seem to be lost may not be lost after all. Disagreement is a poignant end to a friendship that started with an agreement to disagree. But then, maybe, it just signals us to start anew. You've noted it. We were in a decline. Career, lovers, ambition, pride, small unresolved issues - barriers grew through the years. But I still look forward to listening to your voice at the other side. Curious how you are. Excited to talk to you again any moment there is a chance.

    I always ask my friends with love problems the question: "From a bigger perspective, is this fight bigger than your love for each other? Are there fundamental issues in this fight that are more important than love?" So I ask myself the same question. And maybe I should also ask you. And my answer is...

    We are friends because we respect and admire each other. I'd dare say we're friends because we consider ourselves equals, despite the fact that we're very much different from each other in countless minute ways. But equals nonetheless.

    I miss you and I love you still. :D I'll text you soon enough.



    PS
    Ang hirap magsulat sa English ha. Nakaka-pressure ka.

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