I sometimes feel like my life is directed by a series of circumstances defined by inaction and indecision. You know how there are people who take charge of their lives, who grab the bull by the horns so to speak, and who force things to happen? I used to think I was one of those people, except upon further reflection, I fear that I'm not. I have the distinct feeling I've just been floating along, mindlessly doing nothing and letting the currents in my life take me to wherever it will take me.
What' s scary is that I sometimes think that I don't do it "mindlessly". Sometimes, when forced to choose between two things, I decide to create another option, which is to not choose at all. Which I admit is a form of cowardice on my part, because I know that to decide actively requires me to assume the consequences of that decision, and perhaps I fool my brain into thinking that by choosing not to choose, then perhaps the end result will be that there will be no consequences.
Except that I know that there will be consequences. But deciding not to choose, at least for now, gives me some comfort that, maybe, the consequences of my inaction can be suspended too.
Only I'm not stupid enough to believe that. So I knowingly choose to be ignorant, which is the worst form of cowardice on my part. Not only am I afraid of the consequences of whatever decision I will make, and therefor choose not to decide, but I knowingly reject the knowledge that I already have of the consequences of my inaction.
There are layers of foolishness here, I know. But I hope to have enough courage soon to defeat my fears.
Photo taken here.