I
sometimes feel like my life is directed by a series of circumstances defined by
inaction and indecision. You know how there are people who take charge of their
lives, who grab the bull by the horns so to speak, and who force things to
happen? I used to think I was one of those people, except upon further
reflection, I fear that I'm not. I have the distinct feeling I've just been
floating along, mindlessly doing nothing and letting the currents in my life
take me to wherever it will take me.
What'
s scary is that I sometimes think that I don't do it "mindlessly".
Sometimes, when forced to choose between two things, I decide to create another
option, which is to not choose at all. Which I admit is a form of cowardice on
my part, because I know that to decide actively requires me to assume the
consequences of that decision, and perhaps I fool my brain into thinking that
by choosing not to choose, then perhaps the end result will be that there will
be no consequences.
Except
that I know that there will be consequences. But deciding not to choose, at
least for now, gives me some comfort that, maybe, the consequences of my
inaction can be suspended too.
Only
I'm not stupid enough to believe that. So I knowingly choose to be ignorant,
which is the worst form of cowardice on my part. Not only am I afraid of the
consequences of whatever decision I will make, and therefor choose not to
decide, but I knowingly reject the knowledge that I already have of the
consequences of my inaction.
There
are layers of foolishness here, I know. But I hope to have enough courage soon
to defeat my fears.
Photo taken here.
Sometimes in life through hiding, waiting, being hesitant, you build courage to capture and fight for your dreams.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteif you are not the one making choices in your life, someone else is. life does not stop because you choose not to decide; inaction means that you are allowing others to have more of an impact on your life than had you done something - anything. I for one, do not want the imprint of others fingers all over the decisions in my life.
ReplyDeleteIs it perhaps about wisdom. The wisdom to know when we need help and guidance and to know when only the 'I' within must make a decision. It is important to realise that whatever we decide or don't decide or who helps or doesn't, the way we choose belongs to us and is legitimate. We may not like it in the end, but that is another issue.
ReplyDeleteI also feel like that sometimes, and I also blame my inaction. A friend of mine once told me that I should be more indulgent with myself because thinking that I should be acting when in fact I do not feel a real need to act is a way of putting unnecessary pressure on myself. Choices made because one thinks one should be acting are not necessarily good ones. Everyone has his/her own rhythm. Some are faster and are more "active" in their choices, some are less. That's all.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is just not to allow choices to be made for us if we don't agree with them.
Reminds me of the Rush song "Freewill". Even if you choose to do nothing you still have made a choice.
ReplyDeleteIt took a lot of years and enough money spent on therapy to have been able to buy a small house, but I am now at a point where I make choices in my life actively. Any mistakes I have made have been in not choosing, letting myself be a victim of me. It seems so scary but once I started, I realized it was more frightening to let my life happen to me. With everything, knowledge is the first step to change. I like your honesy and bravey putting it out there for all to see! I always enjoy my visits to your site!
ReplyDeleteI used to be like that, before I made quite a big decision recently that affected my whole life and had being for the past 2 years. After that it changed my life and the way my life was, I was just happier. It best to not let things slip you by. Really good post
ReplyDeleteI try to tell myself when I'm being indecisive that refusing to make a decision is a decision. Sometimes this helps move my butt into action.
ReplyDeleteI disagree. I don't think it is cowardly or stupid to refuse to make a choice. Naturally, I can't discern what this post is about from the vagueness, but overall I think it is perfectly acceptable not to make a choice about something until you want to.
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself, really: whose standards are you trying to live up to? If you're unhappy with yourself because of your inaction, then do something about it, but if you're only unhappy because you think others will be unhappy with you, try not to be. I find we impose more rules upon ourselves about how life should be/go than there actually are.
You should fear if you lack fear, so to speak.
ReplyDelete.
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At one point or another, we're all like that, I think. But being too much, eh?
.
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Hayy...I must admit living up with our balls seem to be a difficulty nowadays.
You capture so many of life's problems and issues so succinctly in your posts. I could definitely relate to this one in particular. I have recently started to make decisions and be OK with them no matter what the outcome. But it isn't easy.
ReplyDeleteI am a dithery as well, and tend to have drifty times. But then it feels like my life takes hold of me and pushes me into the direction which I was avoiding thinking about because it was too huge a pathway to take. I wouldn't have it any other way, because it makes me have a life which is unexpected. Hope you enjoy the unexpected as well.
ReplyDeleteAll of us go through this phase sometimes...I am sure you're going to emerge stronger after this phase....
ReplyDeleteoftentimes we choose not to choose because we want life itself to choose for us. most of us, perhaps all of us, want our circumstances to be better than they presently are, but the uncertainty as to just how better they would become keeps us from making the choice. we also know well that at times, we do not necessarily like better things more than the good and not so good things. and so instead of boldly treading the way that leads to clearer skies, calmer seas, sunnier days, more vibrantly hued sunsets and of course greener pastures, we mindlessly loiter at the crossroad and wait for that fateful gale that would push us to that promise-filled land. unfortunately for many of us, that one fateful gale never comes, or if it ever does, it comes too late that the way has grown weeds and bushes so much so that the trail is lost, or it comes at a time that too little strength and to weak a will are left that the tread is too much of a challenge. and what do we have then? some, regrets... some, pines... some, sighs... some, wry smiles... others, fond memories of the good times they made for themselves while mindlessly yet knowingly loitering at the crossroad.
ReplyDeleteesf
Perhaps choosing not to take control is taking control?
ReplyDeleteI just hoping that you wait to choose only to test waters. When it comes to making a choice, I am just glad that I belong to a generation where women have the right to choose. I guess men did not have that worry ever, so they do not care for the right they have to make a choice.
ReplyDeleteCool and don't feel bad your not alone.
ReplyDeleteI'd go with the bear ears.
ReplyDeleteI am so like this!!!
ReplyDeleteI am impressed, none the less that you know. You know what you are doing. It is a start and a good one at that.
ReplyDeleteSometimes not choosing is a body wisdom response of not being ready to choose. There is a difference between a creative "not choosing" and being frozen, unable to choose. As a "take the bull by horns" kind of person, (I am a Taurus, after all), plowing along to "make" things happen isn't always the way, either. You are creative. Grab your journal, give yourself some space and quiet time, and you will know what you need to do.
ReplyDeleteMaking choices, still to this day my enemy. I have a hard time making choices, but I'm getting better...I think.
ReplyDeletei was reading this thinking this is me!!! i am practically known for being indecisive and for most part i have just accepted it!
ReplyDeletewell not any more
Choice is probably the worst thing about growing up, in my opinion. As a kid, I could rely on other people to make important decisions for me. But, now, every day is filled with choices that I don't want to make. Sometimes, I miss my old Magic 8-ball.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing to fear except fear itself!
ReplyDeleteLIVE...
ReplyDeleteYour words moved me, its often scary to face one's reality and you my friend articulated your faults beautifully!!
Just keep on moving forward and know that the best is yet to come! Positivity is key...easier said than done(i know):P