Image taken here.
Dear Fickle Cattle,
I'm a new fan of your blog. I haven't even browsed through each tab and entry yet. I just saw a link from a friend in FB to your blog and I became an instant fan after I read your open letter. Honestly, I cried, I could relate to it so much. I hope you don't mind my telling this story.
I realized I was gay towards the end of college in UP Diliman. I was supposed to have a secret wedding with my girlfriend at the time since we both thought she was pregnant. When we found out that she actually wasn't, it was such a relief. Afterwards, we decided to take things more slowly. During that period, I tried to find myself, and slowly realized my inclination towards the dark side of the force. (I'm not sure how I feel about comparing homosexuality with the dark side, but I'll let that slide for now -- FC). It was a very emotional stage in my life when I realized I was gay. I didn't know who to turn to.
During my years of experimentation and struggle, I met this guy named T. I instantly felt a connection with him though he had a very different view of gay relationships compared to what I had. Basically, he thought that having a relationship which no one would acknowledge did not make any sense.
Knowing that we could only be friends, I contented myself with the friendship he had to offer. Eventually, I met two more of his friends. The four of us became close, and our friendships made me almost forget that I liked T as more than a friend in the first place. It helped me move on.
Eventually, T realized that he did like me more than as a friend. By that time however, I realized I was already falling for our other friend A. When we realized that T was falling for me, A and I decided not to tell T of our relationship to protect him from unnecessary hurt.
This was a mistake. Our other friend B decided to put our story in his blog, thinking no one would ever read it. T eventually did, and everything became a big mess. The relationship, the secrecy and the eventual unintentional disclosure created a rift between all of us.
I decided to distance myself from all three of them since I felt that I started our falling-out. Consequently, we grew apart.
A lot of things have happened since. But, even with all that has changed, I still long for the kind of friendship I had with them which I have never experienced, and probably would never experience, again. When I saw your post, An Open Letter to an Old Friend, it reminded me of my friendship with T. I feel like those are the exact same words I would've told him, given the chance. He was my best friend and I regret crossing the line that caused our friendship to end.
Since coming out in college, I never had any gay friends other than T, A and B. But I already feel like the possibility of our friendship being rekindled died out years ago. I'm not even sure if I'll ever meet friends like them. At some point, we tried, all four of us, to rekindle the friendship we had, but we only found out that we've become strangers to one another.
I've always been proud of my sexual orientation since I came out almost a decade ago. My workmates know of it, I joined a frat in my attempt at law school and even told my batchmates that I was gay. I guess I don't allow myself to be defined by my sexuality. But, you know what, sometimes I wish I had allowed myself to be so defined. I wish I had given myself the chance to embrace my sexuality. Had our friendship not met such an early demise, I'm sure my life would've been much more colorful.
Thanks for taking the time to listen. Sometimes, talking to a complete stranger makes it easier to open up. Your blog brought to the surface a lot of emotions that I've been bottling-up through the years.
Following your entries,