Changes

Sometime this year, I woke up one morning and realized I couldn't recognize myself.

And it wasn't just how I looked physically. Something has... shifted internally. How I view the world, or form relationships, or process emotions--it's as if a completely different person is in charge now, and I'm only realizing recently how incredible that change has been.

It started with a resolution earlier this year that I will start saying yes to new experiences, even if I usually find them terrifying. So I said yes to traveling more, and connected with old friends in a way that I didn't think was possible. I said yes to friends setting me up on blind dates, and though nothing came out of them in a romantic sense, the experiences allowed me to connect more deeply with myself--and I was reminded of the value I can give in a relationship, and to not compromise my happiness simply because I fear being alone. I attended my first music festival with an acquaintance who slowly became a very good friend, and I learned that sometimes doing crazy things is necessary to keep myself sane. And then someone I barely interacted with in law school (who didn't even know we went to the same school but who learned about me through my blog) asked me to have dinner with him and his friends, and they become some of the best and most fun people I've met in my life. 

Then there were things I did on my own. I went to the gym. I tried group cycling exercises. I forced myself to talk to strangers (which is terrifying to me, although I'm actually pretty talented at masking my fear). I climbed a fucking mountain. I started writing again.

Slowly, the introverted, judgmental, cynical person I used to be became outgoing and open. Who would have thought that was possible? It still feels a little strange, and honestly a little frightening, but definitely not in a bad way. 

So I guess my resolution for next year is basically going to be a continuation of my resolution this year-- to keep pushing myself, to keep saying yes to new experiences, to surround myself with people who love me (despite my many, many flaws), to trust more, and to find out what, or who, I can become, if I never give up. I'm excited to see what happens.