My
first foray towards gay dating was through the Internet, in this chatroom known
as #bi-manila. To give you an idea of how it worked, well, basically it was a
chatroom. Random users put random personal ads on the main page, and if you
liked someone based on his description of himself, you can send him a personal
message. Then you chat privately. If you two mutually agree that you like each
other, you usually trade pictures, and then meet in real life.
I
met a lot of boys this way. Well, at least electronically. I wasn't ready for
the real thing yet. But chatting with people semi-anonymously kind of eased the
process.
I
remember chatting with this guy named Leo. He was interesting. He liked the
same things I liked, and we chatted for hours. At some point, he asked if I
wanted to talk on the phone. I hesitated at first, then agreed later on. I
typed in my phone number.
He
was just as interesting a person on the phone as he was on the computer. I
found him very likable. We bonded over a mutual appreciation for fantasy novels
and the television show "Charmed". As a pseudo-date, it was pretty
good I thought.
Then
he asked me if I wanted to meet in person. I knew I should have expected this,
but it still felt like it came out of nowhere. I remained silent for a while. I
heard the worry in his voice when he asked if I was still there. I said that I
was. And then told him I'll think about it.
We
ended the conversation on that note. It was getting late, and we were both
tired.
The
next day I texted him that yes, I wanted to meet up. He said great. He told me
we could meet in Powerbooks in Megamall.
The
whole day was spent worrying over the upcoming meet up. Several things were
running through my mind. What if he hates me? What if he thinks I'm ugly? What if
I think he's ugly? What if I meet someone I know in the bookstore while I'm
with him? What if the date goes horribly, freakishly wrong? What if he really
is a mass murdering serial killer in disguise?
I
tried to take a nap, but I couldn't sleep. I decided to watch television.
Fifteen
minutes before the appointed time for the date, I decided I wasn't going to go
anymore. It was too nerve-wracking. I tried to take a nap again. I still
couldn't sleep.
I
heard my phone beep once. Then twice. Then several rings. I never answered it.
I deleted the messages before reading them as well. I knew what they would say.
I was embarrassed, but more than that, I was angry. I was a jerk. I hated
myself.
And
in my head there was this small voice saying I will never find anyone. I'm too
scared of opportunities, too broken.
Perhaps it would be better to accept I would be alone for the rest of my life.
I
told my friend about the incident, and he told me not to worry about it.
"There are plenty of fish in the sea," he reminded me. I nodded,
appeased. Then I remembered the real problem. I couldn't verbalize it. Saying
it aloud would make it come true I knew. But the small voice was insistent. "What if they don't want me?"
Photo taken here.
