We
were in high school, a private all boys' school, and my friend Francis had a
boyfriend named Jon. It was a weird set-up; a secret relationship, which
everyone knew about. Perhaps it would be better to say that it wasn't a secret
relationship; more an affair which they denied but everyone knew just the same.
Like a showbiz affair, except the people weren't as famous.
I
was sitting in a stone park bench one lazy afternoon when I saw Francis. He was
flustered, and his movements were slightly manic. I didn't want to impose on
his panic, or be part of it honestly, but he walked up to me and started to
talk.
"I
can't believe this is happening," he said, eyes slightly in tears.
"What?"
I asked.
"Jon
wouldn't talk to me anymore. I don't know what to do."
Now,
being 15, and closeted, I really didn't know what to say. Also, the
relationship he was referring to was supposed to be a non-existent one so I
didn't know if I should admit I know or not.
"Uhm,
are you ok?" I said instead.
"No!"
The vehemence was surprising. " He wouldn't even talk to me." There
were tears now. "If I knew he would break up with me, I would have hooked
up with Jeff instead."
Francis
had a lot of secret admirers. Which everyone knew about. The dynamics of high
school gay relationships escape me, not being a part of it myself.
I
knew I was going to regret saying this, but said it anyway. "What do you
want me to do?" My head was really shouting "Damnit, damnit, damnit.
You're such a doormat."
Francis,
still in tears, told me, "Maybe you can talk to Jon for me."
Ok,
so I have problems with talking with people, especially Jon in particular.
First, I'm terribly, awfully socially awkward, which was at its peak in high
school. Second, I didn't know Jon. I don't even take the time to say hi to him.
Third, I've worked so hard to cultivate the image of a snob (in order to hide
the feelings of a loser) to throw it away on something as silly as this. But
no, instead I said something like this, "Ok."
Good
lord. I was such a pushover.
So
there I was, in the basketball court. There was a game ongoing. I saw Jon, who,
incidentally, was with my classmate Percy. "This is going to be bad,"
I thought. Not only did I not know Jon, which would make the conversation
awkward and embarrassing, I actually knew Percy, so there would be a witness to
my embarrassment who can tell other people what happened. I looked behind me
and saw Francis a few feet away, eyes expectant. I swallowed my pride and
walked to Jon.
"Uhm,
hi Jon. Hi Percy."
They
looked at me in a weird way, as if I just decided to spit on them. But then
Percy smiled and said hi. Jon followed a beat after.
I
didn't know how to start so I said this, "Uhm, yea, Francis sent me to
talk to you." Percy started whispering in Jon's ear. I had no idea what he
was saying.
"Ah
right," he replied.
"So,
uhm, yea."
"Yea."
"Uhm,
uhm, so, I guess you haven't been talking to him?" I didn't mean for that
to be a question, but it became one.
"No,
I'm just really busy these days."
"Ah,
that's fair." And probably not true. No one's busy in high school.
Everyone skipped homework except for the few smart ones everyone copied from.
"So, you're not avoiding Francis?"
More
whispering.
"No,
no, why would I?" He smiled. A half-hearted one.
I
didn't know what to say. It was too awkward, but I didn't know him enough to
see if he was lying.
"Ok
great, I guess I'll tell that to Francis then."
"You
do that," Jon said. Then he and Percy went back to watching the varsity
players play their practice game.
That
was it I guess. No more to be said. I was just happy it was over.
I
walked back to Francis. I saw him, still slightly manic, eyes expectant and
glistening. I didn't want to be the one to break his heart so instead I said,
"It's ok. He's just busy. He'll talk to you soon."
