I
sometimes feel like my life is directed by a series of circumstances defined by
inaction and indecision. You know how there are people who take charge of their
lives, who grab the bull by the horns so to speak, and who force things to
happen? I used to think I was one of those people, except upon further
reflection, I fear that I'm not. I have the distinct feeling I've just been
floating along, mindlessly doing nothing and letting the currents in my life
take me to wherever it will take me.
What'
s scary is that I sometimes think that I don't do it "mindlessly".
Sometimes, when forced to choose between two things, I decide to create another
option, which is to not choose at all. Which I admit is a form of cowardice on
my part, because I know that to decide actively requires me to assume the
consequences of that decision, and perhaps I fool my brain into thinking that
by choosing not to choose, then perhaps the end result will be that there will
be no consequences.
Except
that I know that there will be consequences. But deciding not to choose, at
least for now, gives me some comfort that, maybe, the consequences of my
inaction can be suspended too.
Only
I'm not stupid enough to believe that. So I knowingly choose to be ignorant,
which is the worst form of cowardice on my part. Not only am I afraid of the
consequences of whatever decision I will make, and therefor choose not to
decide, but I knowingly reject the knowledge that I already have of the
consequences of my inaction.
There
are layers of foolishness here, I know. But I hope to have enough courage soon
to defeat my fears.
Photo taken here.
