Friday, October 14, 2011

I Don't Think I'll Die Today At Least. Hopefully.

evil doctor
Image taken here.

I don’t go to the doctor.  At least, not voluntarily.  In fact, the only time you can make me go to a physician is when I’m in enough pain that I start dreaming about death.  And even then I’ll probably need to be unconscious so you can carry my limp carcass to his clinic.   

Taking into consideration the fact that I live in a cramped, smoggy and dirty city probably teeming with a gajillion viruses (in spite of which I still love), this probably means that I’m now a carrier of a number of undiagnosed diseases.  Undiagnosed diseases that would most likely commingle and produce new baby mutant viruses that will spread throughout humankind and turn us all into brain-eating zombies. And still, I won’t go to the doctor unless I’m in enough pain I might as well be actively mauled by a jungle cat.

Consider this scenario. This week I had a bout of gout. Or at least I think it’s gout since I only self-diagnosed (Google is wonderful for latrophobics). My foot swelled to almost twice its size, and I had to go to the office wearing dark socks and slippers half a size smaller than my foot. I’m not really sure what I ate which triggered the disease, but it was torture.

Gout is the essence of pain, distilled agony. It’s like God hates feet and decided to make people pay for having them.  For those who don’t have gout, this is how it feels like:  Imagine you are kneeling on a pile of salt.  Except the salt is in your feet, in the joints, and in whatever awkward cranny malicious evil salt can sneak its way into. Then imagine those sharp edges grinding inside those tender nooks, daring you to cry like a big baby.

You know what, forget salt, imagine needles instead.  A bajillion needles poking inside your foot every time you lay it on the ground. That’s what gout feels like.

J thought I should go to the doctor.  Since I didn’t want to argue, I told him it didn’t hurt that much and smiled. Or at least tried to smile, the pain was killing me.

And still, I refused to go to the doctor and just decided to wait it out. The pain subsided eventually.

I also don’t go to the dentist.  The last time I went to the dentist was years ago. As a consequence, I have horrible teeth. Or at least one horrible tooth.  It started to crack a couple of years ago and slowly disintegrated until it became a tenth of its original size. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror and poke it with a finger. There’s a slight twinge of pain there, though it’s nothing serious.

Until I had an apple a couple of days ago, and what small amount of tooth left broke and splintered, and  a sharp cruel tooth sliver decided to painfully position itself in my gums. I tried removing it with a barbecue stick, and it didn’t help. I stopped subsequently because my gums started to bleed and I didn’t want to die because I was stabbing my mouth with what was practically a giant toothpick. Also, I’m afraid of blood.

I still poke it with a finger every now and then.  I know, gross.  But really, if you had a tooth splinter stuck in your gums, you know you would do that too.

I tried googling ways to remove tooth splinters from gums, and the results led me to a site about mouth cancer.  With pictures.  Seeing mouth cancer pictures did not help assuage my fear that the tooth splinter would worm its way through my mouth, eventually leading to my death by killing me from the inside.  It certainly didn’t help that one man looked like his jaw was about to fall off. 

So I set an appointment with a dentist this weekend. I’ll probably need to explain to her that the last time I went to the dentist was years ago, just so she’d know what to expect. That way, if she starts talking about how horribly I treat my teeth, I can say that I did warn her.

Anyway, here are the lessons you should learn from my story: 

1. Gout is painful. 

2. If you leave a cracked tooth untreated long enough, it will splinter and a piece of your own tooth would attack your gums in cruel revenge.  

3. Mouth cancer pictures are gross.  They are also very great tools at reminding people they don’t want to die with their jaws falling off. 


  1. You forgot to mention, avoid eating apples.

  2. I don't like the doctors either but I think I'd go if my foot got that big O_O I also haven't been to a dentist in so long I don't actually remember when the last time was. I would go, but I'm worried he's going to steal my teeth.

  3. @Eva Gallant: Hahaha. That makes you rethink the old saying "An apple a day..." doesn't it?


  4. Well, I get that. I do. But two surgeons saved my life when I hadn't the sense to know I was all that close. And this past weekend an endoscopy has probably saved me from developing the cancer that killed my father. We have caught it in time.

    And yet, again, I get it. I do. I just have been lucky to find doctors who saved me from some life-threatening, mobility-threatening situations getting worse. I like my dentist. His staff should all live in padded cells, and I would like to be there with them. And the team that did the colonoscopy and endoscopy are wackos and I fell asleep with us all chanting, "They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away!"

    But I have a sense that my experiences with medical peopl have not been other people's. So I hope you never get gout again--though the medical fix is pretty simple... and may this one visit to the dentist solve your tooth problems for all time.

    May you learn to love oatmeal and applesauce and never, EVER have a pain worse than a splinter. Ever. I like your blog too much!

  5. @JeanetteLS: Aww. You're very sweet. And I wish that too. :-D

  6. Ouch! That stuff sounds really bad!

  7. I suffer from gout and you can treat it thus. Drink a lot of water, take ibuprofen, and for god's sake control your weight. You cannot be overweight if you have this condition. If you are, go on a diet to get into the proper B.M.I. that you should be for your body height. Additionally, eating cherries or taking cherry supplements helps. The gout is caused by a build-up of uric acid and the number one cause is being too fat.

  8. *shudders* It sounds so painful :(

  9. i experienced gout when i was in my early 20s. it was really painful specially when you walk or move your feet. it's good i haven't experienced it again since then.

  10. and with the lesson # 3, i won't look mouth cancer related pictures..

  11. My brother who is taking up medicine once told me that Filipinos naturally only go and see doctors when everything's a little too late. Well I try to look at it as just our being problem solvers--just like what you did to your tooth. Hope all is well now though :)

  12. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" but it certainly does nothing for the dentist.
    Hope you feel better.

  13. hmmm.. you got me scared. about 4 years ago the doctor told me that my uric acid is higher than normal then explained to me about gout. i have this fear that it may come to that :( left you some love..

    by the way, do you mind checking out on Love in Its Unconditional Form?

  14. i seriously feel scared now of mouth cancer and gouts now.

  15. Gee ... some folks'll do ANYTHING to stop others from calling them hypochondriacs!!

  16. Let me just say that I am so happy to have found your blog -- You're a wonderfully sharp writer! You actually got me to cringe twice. Lol!

    More power to you. Would love to stay in touch!


  17. @everyone:thanks for the well wishes and sympathy. mwah mwah!

    @arlu: im happy you like my blog. thanks! :-)

  18. Perhaps you should go take a double visit to the dentist and doctor. Health is so important and life is too short, y'know?
    Feel better<3

  19. i share the same sentiments. hays.

  20. Make sure the swollen foot isn't from a cut or scratch that has become infected. Good luck with the dentist.

  21. I have my bouts with gout too every so often. I've learned that the trick is to find out what triggers it (I think I've already figured out what causes mine so now I make sure I only have a moderate intake of that thing).

    As for meds, I usually take Arcoxia which you can buy over the counter. I usually take the 90 mg (I think). It usually does the trick of getting rid of the pain. However, note that Arcoxia (and I guess similar meds) can cause heart attack. That's why I only take it once a day, and only when the pain is unbearable.



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