After writing my piece on the Top 10 Things Wrong with Mainstream Philippine Cinema, I gleaned from most of the comments posted that I need not have limited my article to movies from the Philippines since, apparently, the world is full of stupid, crappy movies. Which begs the following questions: why is the world full of stupid, crappy movies? If they are so stupid and crappy in the first place, why do they keep getting made? Why do people keep watching them? By patronizing stupid and crappy movies, are people, therefore, stupid and crappy by extension?
Perfectly valid questions of course, all of which will not be answered by this post. Instead, I propose that we stop fighting the tidal wave of general crappiness that is bound to wash over us, and just learn to enjoy the ride. In preparation for such an event, here are five ways we can enjoy ourselves at the movies even if the movie is something we probably shouldn't watch in the first place.
1. Imagine all the untalented actors and actresses are robots.
A movie is usually crappy because it is populated by actors and actresses who cannot act, and who only have one facial expression for 10,839,624 types of human emotion. This is bad. Actors and actresses are essentially required to act. I know, shocker, but that is part of the job.
However, we only require that of human actors. If we all imagine that the people onscreen are actually robots, then we would expect them to have only one facial expression since robots act, well, robotic. That way, we can watch the movie and instead of actually watching the movie, we can just ooh and aah over the leaps and bounds made by the robot making industry in general. When an actor or actress attempts to cry, we can marvel at how the robot doesn't short circuit or explode. When an actor or actress attempts to convey an emotion we could not understand because he or she is an untalented hack, we can just imagine that the robot is probably about to short circuit or explode.
The sparkly vampire robot is sparkling because he's about to explode.
2. Think of movies as a series of moving images of hot men and women wandering around, doing random crap. Like home movies, except with gorgeous strangers.
Plot doesn't make any sense? Doesn't matter. Here's a hot werewolf. Problem solved.
A shirtless hot werewolf solves everything.
3. Develop amnesia.
Yes, that annoying plot has been done and re-done ten billion times before. Which might be a problem if you were a perfectly normal human being with a fully functional brain. However, if you develop amnesia every time you watch a movie, each film will be like you watched it for the very first time. Consequently, movies such as "The Change Up", "What's Your Number" and "Paranormal Activity 3" will become original, groundbreaking stuff.
With amnesia, this movie is not a tired, stupid repeat of the same plot point at all.
4. Use the movies as an excuse to stuff your face with enough junk food to feed a family of five.
With enough sugar running through your system, anything is good. Even "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo".
5. Don't think. It will only hurt your brain.
Stupid, crappy movies can only be fun if you don't think. In the immediate aftermath of the zombie apocalypse, once we've all become brain-eating zombies, I'm sure "Freddy Got Fingered" would become an instant classic.
Remember this movie? No? Good for you.