Gift-giving

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend Jt surprised me at my apartment with a box of Royce chocolates. I was studying for the bar examinations then, so I wasn't expecting him at all. Also, in the almost 3 years that we've been together, he'd never done anything like that, so it was a pleasant experience.

Meeting an Idol

In the second year of my Creative Writing Course, I got one of my writing idols as a professor. Huge guy, a popular columnist in a popular daily, who is probably a shoo-in for a National Artist Award 10-15 years from now. I loved reading his books; his writing style wasn't in any way similar to how I write, which tends to be introspective and (slightly) feminine. His was macho and brooding, and the images depicted strength and a certain heaviness.

I Just Had The Most Brilliant Idea Ever. No, Really.

I just realized there are two things I like more than anything else in the world: writing random stuff, and telling people what to do.

Not Alone

I was single when I met Allan on the dance floor of a popular bar in Malate. I was in the middle of my law studies then, and he was an agent in a call center. I noticed him immediately; he was tall, with long hair pulled back into a ponytail and eyes that reminded me of an anime character. I positioned myself beside him, and after introductions and some playful bantering, we exchanged numbers.

I Like Dogs But Sometimes I Want to Kill Dog Owners

It was a nice day, so I was walking beside the row of commercial outlets right next to my apartment building. I just had dinner, chicken fajitas with a side of salsa, and was pretty content with the world. This cute little boy with a gorgeous father (whose shirt said that he was a jiujitsu master) was distracting me. He was making weird faces, so I made weird faces back.

Then it happened. A soft, squishy sound.

I just stepped on dog poop.

Guess What?

It's my first monthsary as a blogger!

Woohoo!

New post coming up right after a short break.

Photo taken here.

Announcement

Hey guys! Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. Anyway, I just saw that a large amount of text has been copied from my site within the last 24 hours (3,958 words to be exact), and since I'm scared of being plagiarized, I've put a Creative Commons disclaimer on my blog (see right), and added a widget that disallows people from copying stuff. I know it's a hassle, but I think it's necessary. Also, I appreciate all your comments. And the simple fact that you are reading.

If you did copy my stuff, and it's not like you're planning on claiming it as your own, I'd appreciate an email to clarify the matter. Email address can be found in my "About Me" section. Thank you!

PS. New post coming up soon.

PS 2. Mystery solved. Whew.

Photo taken here.

A Collective Blogging Event

Watch out for this. From theorg-y.

Hostage Crisis in Manila

Just saw on T.V. the hostage crisis in Manila. It's a sad thing when those sworn to protect us surprisingly turn into the savages they should be protecting us against. I do not know who Rolando Mendoza is, and I do not care. He is not worthy of my attention.

Mediation

We were in high school, a private all boys' school, and my friend Francis had a boyfriend named Jon. It was a weird set-up; a secret relationship, which everyone knew about. Perhaps it would be better to say that it wasn't a secret relationship; more an affair which they denied but everyone knew just the same. Like a showbiz affair, except the people weren't as famous.

Vajayjays are Important Too

I was having dinner at a very nice restaurant in Greenbelt with Jt and a Playboy (Philippines) model. I was pleasantly surprised by the girl's loquaciousness and intelligence; she even gave me tips on how to prevent the worsening of my eyesight. At some point, as conversations between adults usually do, the topic shifted to sex.

The Pitfalls of Dating the Perfect Guy

Jt is not the easiest person to date, especially if you're the jealous or insecure type (just so we're clear, I'm not). He's good-looking, (very) intelligent, and successful. Seriously, everything I've been looking for in a man, I found in him. And he loves me. What more do I want?

Sometimes We are Lost

(4 days ago)

It was midnight, and we were eating Chinese food in a popular restaurant near Makati Avenue. I was treating you because I just asked you for a favor and you, very graciously, obliged. Perhaps it was the late hour, but we were speaking in an almost whisper.

Why Beards are Not Important (And Also Why You Need to Listen to the Universe Sometimes)

I was smoking near the stage of a popular bar in Malate when I was introduced to Jt. I was with my friend Toph, who recognized Jt because they had a mutual friend. I made small talk and dropped a few lines I hoped sounded charming. We shared a cigarette. I found him attractive so I asked for his number. He had no problem giving it.

More Sketches of a Year Lived Next to a Red Light District

I was heading back up to my apartment when I encountered an old Arab guy and his Filipino girlfriend on the elevator. I was reading a book, so I didn't immediately notice that the old man was speaking to me.

This Morning

This morning was easier
than yesterday morning,
or yesterday's yesterday morning.
I did not think about you.
Not your scent,
Or your touch,
Or your face.
There was just a vague feeling
Of hunger
and the aroma

of pancakes and eggs.

There was a sense
Of losing
something important.

But I brushed it off
and downed the misery
with honey and milk.

Sometimes there is victory
in forgetting
and defeat in remembrance.

Photo taken here.

Sketches of a Year Lived Next to a Red Light District

I was halfway through law school when I had to move from my first studio apartment to a smaller space right next to a red light district in Makati. I moved because I was renting my first apartment for an incredibly low price and when the contract ended, the unit owner got smart and demanded 50% more than what I was already paying. I couldn’t afford that, so I moved to a small studio in a fairly decent condotel.

Death and High School

The first time I met Allan, we were sophomores. It was also the first time I met Ron, who would eventually become one of my closest friends. That year was a year of many firsts for me, but high school being high school, it wasn’t easy.

Real Men are Illusions. Macho is the New Gay.

I remember a story my friend Chuck told me that happened in Facebook. He saw a former classmate from high school, and like any decent person who wanted to catch up, decided to add the guy as a friend. A few days later, Chuck received a message.

The message said that the classmate couldn't add Chuck because the former had developed a "slight homophobia". Chuck was first shocked, then angry, then mortified. He couldn't believe that he went out on a limb to give this guy an opportunity to be Facebook "friends" and the guy gave him the electronic equivalent of a slap in the face. So, like any other person addicted to Facebook in the Philippines, he decided to update his status.

Morals Daw (Greatest Hits Collection)

Me: You know, if you really just wanted to be wealthy, you could marry rich.

C: Yuck Fickle Cattle, I have morals. He has to be hot also.

Me: Hahaha. Wow, ganda ng morals mo ha.

Willpower

For Chris, so you don't forget.

I don't believe in "The Secret", but don't take offense, I don't believe in a lot of things (I'm diplomatic like that). My belief system is best described as a series of non-beliefs; what holds everything together is a healthy dose of skepticism.

Searching for Meaning (A Blogger's Manifesto)

I started writing in high school with a group of amateur writers that met once a week. It wasn't that I thought I had a gift for writing; it was more like I was forced into it, at least initially. In my old school, everyone was required to join one club, and none of the other clubs that were still open interested me. I really wanted to join the theater group, but they were already full.

Performance Art

I'm not good with children. If you leave me with one for more than 30 minutes, that will prove your negligence as a parent. If you leave me with two, then you hate your kids.

Happiness

I used to suffer from intense bouts of depression. It came in waves; there would be months when I was normal and happy, followed by days (or moments) of crippling loneliness. At some point I learned to anticipate it. Every time it happened, I locked my room, turned off the lights, and wallowed.

There is always a certain poetry in the experience of emotional, abstract pain. It is distinguished from the physical kind in the extent of its subtleties: sadness is not just sadness; there are depths and layers. When you wallow in your pain long enough, you learn to discern the differences.

Making my Day: The Sequel

Hey guess what? Kane just made my day! Thank you for the incredible welcome. Muchas appreciadas (yes, that is a language I just invented right now).

People like us

I used to frequent a small, dark bar in Malate when I was much younger. Its name was inspired by the Filipino word paminta which in gay lingo (I'm not fluent, that's the extent of what I know) meant a gay man who acted like a straight man (no, the bar wasn't called "Pepper"). Let me break it down for the lesbians and non-homosexuals: paminta's first two syllables pa-min sounds like pa-men which means parang lalaki or "like a man". Boom. Gay lingo 101.

Shout out

Mcvie just made my day. Thank you!

To a lost love

I was young, and the four years you had on me made you look worldly and much more handsome than you already were (you didn't need to be better looking, my heart skipped a beat every time I looked at you). We always stayed in a coffee shop in Glorietta, a 15 min ride from your place, a 2 hour drive from mine. (Even then, there were metaphors: you could never meet me in the middle). I always had chamomile tea, and you always bought a cappuccino; I thought it a quaint ritual, you never thought about it at all. Back then I wished for your love and would have settled for your disdain; I could never stand your indifference.

Picture a life

I thought this the saddest thing.

Copied from this original concept.

Choices

We usually hung around Mike's apartment, a large two-bedroom affair in Mandaluyong with a small kitchen and living room. Mike had no furniture then; we lounged on his flea-bitten mattress where we consumed copious amounts of white wine and cigarettes.

Love: A Tragedy

It was a Saturday morning when I met him, in a popular gym along Ayala Avenue. I noticed him staring but he wasn't my type: too short, too thin, too bald, but Mike pointed out he was cute and that it is always a good idea to take a chance. So I said hi, we exchanged numbers. By the time I finished taking a shower, I figured he already left. He was waiting for me at the lobby. He asked if I wanted to have dinner.

Profile

Just finished updating my profile. Blogging is such a nice respite from all the studying I've been doing lately.

I was aiming for David Sedaris...

I write like
Margaret Atwood

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Cowardice

I was 15 in an all boys' school, and really involved in theater. We were going to stage a play that celebrated the 50th year of our school's founding. It was a musical about the life of Saint Marcellin, our patron saint, where at one point the young Marcellin had to rap. It was definitely not striving for realism. As soon as I read the script, I realized it was written by condescending old men who thought they knew what young people wanted. Dump in a few verses of that newfangled rap music, one of them probably said. They love that stuff said the other.

Dreams are tricky bastards

I've been having some really fucked-up dreams lately, and I'm not sure what to do with them. It's probably connected to the incredible amount of pressure I've been under recently, and since there's nothing I can do about that anytime soon, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

Keeping the Faith

Found here.

5 Responses to Homophobic Ugly Straight Guys Who Think You Are in Love with Them

1. "Uhm, excuse me, may taste po ako."

2. "Sorry, I don't talk to ugly people."

3. "I don't do charity work."

4. "Sorry, pero hindi kita maa-adopt, may aso na kasi ako e..."

5. "Bading po ako, hindi bulag."

Morality

I find it interesting how most people can stubbornly take perspectives in life for granted as 'good' or 'bad' without thinking why those values are deemed 'good' or 'bad'.

People are like sheep in that way, I think. When another person whose morality is supposedly 'superior' to you says so, people in general just aren't capable of questioning the foundations of such statements; they'd much prefer just to follow.

So what happens when that moral structure, where that other person whose 'moral superiority' you follow bases his supposed superiority, is questioned? What if it is ultimately shattered? What happens next? Is your 'humanity' destroyed as a consequence?

Accountability

Prof. Monsod's post-SONA analysis made valid points, most strikingly on the fact that rice importation issues can also solidly be put on the shoulders of Pnoy's Cabinet, namely, Purisima (DOF, who was DTI Secretary then), Roxas (as former DTI Secretary), and Soliman (DSWD). I do not doubt the sincerity of the President, but I think it might be a good idea to ask these officials their thoughts on the issue and why they never spoke up when the issue of rice importation came up. Also, it would be nice if they spoke in person; things have a tendency to get lost in communication if too many people speak for another.

Young Avengers

photo taken from here

I enjoy Young Avengers, but I've always thought the Runaways are better.

Teddy and Billy were in a relationship with each other. This led to many happy fans, praising Marvel and write Allan Heinberg for their progressiveness. Since this however, their relationship has not been explored very much, other than to show them to have a happy, snarky banter and to genuinely care and worry about each other.

Wiccan (formerly Asgardian) and Hulkling's relationship are discussed here.

...

"Absence is to love as wind is to fire: it extinguishes the little flame, it fans the big." — Umberto Eco

Creepy...

or pure genius?

Pride and Context (A Conversation)

R: What concept of pride is specific to homosexuals, which must be celebrated? Are we supposed to be defined by a different concept of humanity?

Fickle Cattle: Sorry if I take this too seriously, pero napaisip talaga ako, and this has been something that has crossed my mind a few times. Taken at face value, it doesn't seem to make any sense, simply because pride in being gay is as silly as being proud of the color of one's skin or in the shape of one's eyes; a superficiality that would normally have no bearing on the worth of any individual; that is, it would not make someone more worthy or less worthy than any other person who has different attributes (or a different sexuality, in this case).

On Love

Spent a few hours last night with my best friend and realized how much I've missed him. I'm not the best person in the world, and I never found it easy to cultivate friendships, but when I make a connection with someone, I hang on for dear life. Someone once said that you can probably count your real friends on one hand. It's true. There are friends, and then there are friends. I'm glad I've met people who love me for who I am.

Updates

It feels like the world is passing me by. Everyone's growing up, having new experiences, living life, while I'm stuck in this limbo called law school. I can't wait for my life to start.

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Today, I interviewed a popular local actress for a new fashion magazine. I know next to nothing about fashion, but I also know next to nothing about gadgets, and I worked in a tech magazine for 2 years. It shouldn't be too hard. Fake it 'til you make it like they say.

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Our family restaurant opened to a huge crowd last weekend. Incredible sales, where they managed to make triple their sales quota. Very, very proud.